P.S. love makes me a better person. nothing else does. I've been a really shitty human being for a while, but there were brief moments where I truly thought I could be something else.

apathy and paperwork

The military just won't leave me alone. when I was released from that hell hole in Texas, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Now after two years, it's unrelenting claws have dug back in, trying to drag me back down. The army has claimed my empathy, creativity, passion, my sensitivity-I feel so grey inside. All I had was my freedom and I feel it slipping away again.

just leave me alone, please.
please let me be.


Texas, Washington, Montana, Alaska, these are my homes away from home. I wish to go back, but feel unsure of it being a reality now. I'm getting closer and closer to being trapped.
 

things I hate about sex

I actually found it kind of surprising when this came to my attention.

1. never knowing how much of the collective sweat pooling everywhere is actually mine. I'd really like to know whether or not I'm getting a good work out...

2. how dehydrated I get and how I seemingly have to all of sudden pee every 30 minutes and put clothes on to make myself even more dehydrated. I need to start stocking my bed with water bottles and bananas.

3. not being able to cum because I watch way too much porn and are too busy trying to follow commands of screaming psycho nymphs.

4. my books and letters fall off the shelves infront of my bed and I have to organize them all over again 
 -_____- I think maybe I'm turning into the male-equivalent of a cat lady.

5. not being able to make porn.

6. not really having a chance to make witty comments since the only comments involve the words jesus, fuck, pussy, god, and dick. not really much to go off of there...

7. it is not acceptable to watch it's always sunny in philadelphia while recieving oral sex or hitting dat shit from da back.

8. I don't have a full body mirror to watch myself pose-balls deep-or admire how awesome I am. I think this one will soon be corrected, though.

yup.

SKRATCH DAT

I'ma just go kayak erry werrrrr.

 

Teddy Bear

racism, sexism, homophobia, environmentalism.
why?
its like ingrained in some, this prophetic vision of a future planet/society overpopulated and stagnant. and an overwhelming fear that their "kind" will be replaced.

no more _____, _______-fearing, _______-centered culture, etc. (the blanks are there for any person to fill in. these things are not limited to western civilizations. no need for eurocentrism)
and it might seem silly to put environmentalists in with the hate-mongers, but... they fight for a cause for the fear that something they love and hold dear will disappear.

whether it be their culture, "genetic legacy", social class, religion, physical environment, or an amalgous mess of the group, these individuals-or groups-have a basic drive in common: sustainment/preservation.

only thing that seems left in the U.S. seems to be:
"political correctness", absence of culture and morality,
apathy, hopelessness, poverty, urban sprawl, bums,
pesticides, ADD, cancer, wasteful food crops, cattle, water shortages,
mass murders and suicides,
not one place left to hide.

you all have created a perfect society. congratulations.

I gotta say though, I do believe that the homosexuals are our one true hope. maybe they can stop babies from being born...forever. probably only if theres a war between gay men and gay women in the future.
the men won't give lil spermies to the imperialist lesbians and as the marginalized gay men go on screwing everyone in the ass, literally and figuratively, the lesbians will bomb the shit out of em.
there ends all human life as we know it.

hopefully, the lesbians will be against cloning-or too stupid to figure it out.

wolves and the Savages

"you won't let them do it to me, will you?"
"no. I promise."

If only there was someone who could have saved you
from me, and yourself.
 

Chisos Brew

Big Bend.

We started out in the Chisos Basin and began our hike on the Pinnacle Trail.

three and a half miles later we were at the beginning of Emory Peak Trail. ~7000 ft.

The trail ended at the base of a steep hobble of boulders that jutted out of the mountain like the hand of some sort of helish golem. It wasn't so bad to climb up, but going down was scary as FUHHHHH. 7825 ft.

After coming off Emory Peak Trail, we took Boot Springs Trail. it was a sleek creek bed with boulders and deep little pools of water.  The trees blazed and blended into an invisible raging river. ~6800 ft
 

From Boot Spring to Boot Canyon Trail... and then up the steep inclines of the Northeast Rim. Talk about helllllllll, we had already done a little over seven miles and 2500 ft of climbing, and to be honest, the northeast side was not much of a looker-BUT tag on another five hundred feet of pure suffering just cause you can. ahhhhh. ~7400 ft



It got better as we ended up on the southeast side. not only prettier, but all the climbing was done too. But the winds! The winds raced, winding through pinyons, junipers, and golden grasses-the finish line, two thousand feet below, across miles of snaking canyons. There might have been no more steep inclines, but the environment sure did take your breath away. ~7400 ft





And then around to the Southwest Rim. By far the most amazing views were seen here. You could see straight over Santa Elena Canyon and into Mexico. ~7400 ft

 Our campsite was on the Southwest Rim, once we got there we opened our bottle of wine, got drunk, and went to sleep. When I woke up my camera was dead. So, no more pictures, really. I just know I can't wait to go back here. The canyons were so powerful; pictures couldn't have done them justice. You had to be there. And, well, I guess I'll just finish with that-I've procrastinated on this post entirely too long and just want it to be done.

WHOOP! WHOOP!

One of my goals is finally coming to fruition.I am Going to Big Bend National Park tomorrow. I will sleep with the scorpions and snuggle with serpents, climb cactus clipped mountains and wade across nations' borders.

LANDSQUID

theres a perfectly good reason why I have a squid on my head.
...
"raced" with the davisesesesss yesterday. it mostly consisted of me walking a lot and them waiting for me. I just wasn't feelin it. BUT when I unknowingly walked into the girl's changing tent afterwards-I must say, I was feelin that.

well,

I'm buying a car and spending all my money on gas and alcohol. it has been decided.

nice, nice, very nice

Thursday after work we started for the guadalupe mountains. We got there a little before midnight and slept in the shadows of towering monsters. The visitor's center didn't open til 8, so we had to wait for it to open to register and pay for access. We started out around 10am on the tejas trail and went from 5800 ft to 8000 ft then we headed west on the bush mountain trail. We reached bush mountain campsite @ 8300 ft around 3 pm, I'd say. That first day really took it out of me. we only had two liters per day when it was recommended to have at least a gallon-I could feel it in the form of migraines, who knows, it could've been the altitude.

bush mountain campsite 8300 ft

bush mountain campsite 8300 ft

bush mountain campsite 8300 ft

bush mountain trail 8400 ft

bush mountain trail 8400 ft

Saturday morning we started out at 8am for the peak and then north around the mountain to start the blue ridge trail to the east. Blue ridge was quite easy and uneventful, but had an awesome view of the clouds pouring out over frijole ridge.

bush mountain peak 8600 ft

bush mountain trail 8400 ft

Saturday night we spent at mescalero @ 7400ft, which probably was a bad idea because of its altitude.... early in the morning the clouds came in and we were right in the middle of them. It was around 34 degrees fahrenheit and you couldn't see more than three feet infront of you. The water vapor in the air was unbearable-I thought I was gonna freeze. We left at 6am, no longer being able to stand our sleeping conditions.

tejas trail 7300 ft

Starting back for the car on the tejas trail, we went up to 8000 ft and back down to 5700 ft. Talk about struggle, but it was worth it. I just wish I got to stand at the top of guadalupe peak and el capitan. maybe next time.

tejas trail 7200 ft

tejas trail 7000 ft

for the Record

I do have an amazing friend here who has many similar interests.

PLUS, he has a camera phone that takes fancy pictures, +1 Davis, -1 Delgado.

desert speaks

of the captain's peak.

in twelve days I will be overlooking that peak and the serene chihuahuan desert.
to the empty skies and cold, cold nights I'll look upon with wondering eyes
of blinking stars and speeding clouds. I know that I will think of you.

I sure hope I figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do.
80 more days until I'm out of the army. not sure anymore if I'm doing the right thing...
I must embrace my fear of the unknown. I've never truly taken a risk in all my life.

on another note, I'll make sure to bring my camera to THIS trip, I always seem to freaking forget it when I go places... probably won't get a chance to post them until I come back from florida on the 13th of october, though.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel like such a hypocrite for criticizing others around me for not valuing the present or being so dependent on the decisions of others when I too can only wish to be back home, surrounded by people who are outgoing and spontaneous. I miss home. and I can't find one interesting thing to do here alone, but also can not find anyone to go bike riding, hiking, swimming, or who finds a little enjoyment from debating or learning from another. they're all so preoccupied with selling their spin on old ideas. I just miss those who have more to talk about than sex, drugs, and their own narcississtic ramblings. I also miss being in something other than an urban shithole. /end.

last four, please.

repetition feels so terrible but I know nothing else. the impermanence of convictions and feelings don't change a thing. everything seems so common and cheap. childish dreams have never been chased so vehemently. but only out of desperation. I don't know if that's supposed to be shameful or not-sure feels like it.

text message memories

Its been two years and I still remember. your voice, your kisses, the perfume on your skin and hair, the way your eyes would lock on mine, our hands conjoined with thumbs locked in, the feel and taste of your soul inside. the long awaited hugs and letters so long. it was great. it really was. I haven't talked to you, but its probably best that way. we're completely different people with conflicting desires and goals. but it still doesn't stop me from fucking missing you when times are hard. oh well, such is life and life knows best. keep floating, world!

old songs, old finds

tattoo scabs all dressed in drab an exercise in elitest crimes don't test these times of prevention and lies dont climb over walls and shout for your wine we wont help you now but before we could have tried your on your own friend to cloud minds and old rhymes

most people annoy the fuck out of me. and the one's that don't? well. I'm adapting to keep it that way. future holds so little in so much and the only thing I feel thats certain is the unique-ness found in my recent ventures. I'll never let myself become jaded and feed the frenzy of normalcy that beckons from my feet.

clear as day

I smellz like a big dirty dumpster. ofcourse thats usually what happens when you climb into one and start rummaging around. I love my job. to be entertained by your own humiliation is a strange thing... I haven't slept in a while. I really really need to sleep. too much black girl butt grabbing. I was told by a psychiatrist on thursday that I have anti-social personality disorder-Iwish-guess I've got another label to wear round my neck, though. why is photography so important to people? why must every event be documented? It seems like such a waste of time and completely rapes the moment. fuckin A. what the hell am I to do with myself... I'm so jaded by personal problems and faded from reality. I need someone in my life who's much more brave-a honey badger of a woman to validate everything I do, write, and say. that's so fucking pathetic. I can't really say we all are, but I most definately am. oh well. who cares. doom path. that's my lyffe. its quite interesting when I think of how I never have or will do anything that is beneficial to society. why must it be important to be remembered? I don't know what to think. I use I alot. I I I I fucking me me me. god dammit. whatever. death seems so boring, normal, and temporary to me for some reason. Ifeel like I should be afraid and either think i'ma die and be nothing of nothingness forever and ever or be a lil angel in heaven. but I don't. I feel like I wont die, even when I diediedie-since I don't care about dying, its as if the subject is irrelevant to my existance. like, I'm exempt from the laws of lifenessness. what the hell am I babbling about... I never babble anymore. it makes me sad. I'm glad I'm doing it now. I wonder if theyre gonna make me lurk in the dumpsters now? who knowssssss.

P.S. I got left in austin during SXSW. and lemme tell you. I now officially hate all stereotypes of people. fucking hipsters.

the list

HAZ GROOOOWWWN.

over president's day weekend, I got left at a wendy's, 200 miles away from my bed.
and you know whattt?

I'M NOT SORREH! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

the atlantic

Is more beautiful than anything ive ever experieneced in my entire life. No girl or women could even compare. The violence of the waves and the crashing of life's dreams speak of freedoms that are foreign and forgotten in most lover's arms.