the lights dimmed.
your eyes blacked out beneath the lense.
keep close, don't stray too far.
the screen flickers and the shadows dance.
I love you. don't go.
the sounds of death fill the cold stale air.
it rushes out and steals the trust.
the blood rushes down your face and for that moment
you are gone.
can't live like this.
no one understands what I've seen and what I know.
please. someone. anyone. make me forget death's empty stare.

can't sleep.

can't dream. can't write. can't draw. can't breathe. can't talk. can't see.

but I can eat.

OM NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

post nasal drip.

as I threw on clothes that smelled alright, she never stopped texting me, and asking what was up.
I'm walking to the store. I got a lot on my mind.
you want a ride?
no, I need to walk.
can I come?
it never fails how she must tag along to everything.
I grabbed my wallet, keys, ipod, and phone. unlocked the door and she was there. staring into my eyes. dark gleaming pools in the midnight shadows. she is beautiful and comforting-even when I wish to be alone. she smiled that smile that I know too well. I put my headphones in and stared down at my feet as I turned around to lock the door.
click.
every step I take, I watch the ground give way.
whatcha listening to?
you've prolly never heard of them.
just tell me?
death cab for cutie.
that sounds emo-and gay. I'm just kidding. can I listen?
no.
I'm sorry! please?
I look up from my trance, stop dead in my tracks. there she is beside me. warm, soft, loving.
here.
it sounds really sad...
its not, it makes me happy.
its really pretty though.
I know. it means alot to me-the words.
what are they about?
distance.
okay...
I let her keep one in her ear and I take back the other. we stay close and she laughs at how I slouch over her.she makes me happy, there's no arguing that-I just don't know why i can't be content with the fact.
look at the parade field, its beautiful.
I didn't know flowers bloomed at night...
come on.
what? why?
I pulled the headphones and stuffed them in my jacket pocket. I grabbed her hand and dragged her along. it was beautiful. the gentle yellow petals danced in the wind; no strong trees to guard them from its strength. I layed down as she hovered over me.
she giggled. it made me smile.
what are you doing?
watching the clouds go by. we've got a captive audience tonight.
we smile. she sits next to me and grabs onto my hand
I love you.
hmm.
fine! don't say it back, but I'm not gonna stop!
okay.
I love you.
she laid back and kept on with a barrage of questions. I put my head phones in and tried to drown her out. I turned my head to watch the little flowers lean in every direction.
are you even listening to me? ray. RAY. DELGADO!!
WHAT?
she toppled over me and held down my wrists.
I'm talking to you.
I can see that.
so maybe you should try and listen?
no. i got a lot on my mind. i just don't feel like talking about it right now.
okay.
she kissed me and laid back down next to me. a look of dissappointment swept over her face. and guilt clouded over my mind.
fuck.

smokescreen opera

I love you, she said.
“I love you and don’t worry, you’ll be fine…I’ll be home soon enough, okay baby?”
She wraps her lips around me and looks up.
“okay. I love you too, it’s just that- I just wish I coulda came with you.”
I’m the only one coming, you idiot.
“mmmmhm-I know baby. I gotta go, baby-Clara needs me.”
I shoved my dick in her mouth in between those broken sentences. She said goodnight and hung up before he could reply, I pulled her head back and came onto her freckled cheek. She smiled.
“mmmmm baby, I love it when you come on my face. I love your taste.”
“hmmp.”
Fucking slut.
“Can we take a shower now?”
“Greg.”
“what?”
“I loooove youuuuu.”
“I love you too, now can we wash the sex off? I smell like straight up vagina.”
she giggles as the come drips off her chin.
“okay, baby.”
He drifted along her words for so long. He never wants to fall, but doesn’t even realize that’s what he’s been doing since she said yes. Michael didn’t make her feel wanted, but he gave her the security she craved-a feeling of control-the fact that she can create a relationship. A public performance for everyone to witness. An act that she can take a break from whenever she feels. He loves her and will never leave. Brittany told me he’s never even so much as kissed another girl before. He reminds me of myself from another time.

Kind of sad. I remember when we went to Corpus Christi and she told him that her mother was sick. He wanted to come with her, but she had said that it was best if she went alone. In reality her parents didn’t even stay there in the winter. We went down there and fucked in every possible nook and cranny. She lies to him so much, but doesn’t keep anything from me. I used to think it was because she wasn’t afraid to lose me. I’ve since come to believe that she knows that she never had me. He, on the other hand, has this beautiful story that’s told to him every night before he lays his head to rest-she loves him and wants to be with him forever-It puts his weary head at rest and puts a smile on his face. She so desperately wants that to make her happy. She wants to be passionate about something. Someone. She just can’t.
I hope I don’t end up like that. Passion is what fuels us to transcend the boundary we create for ourselves. These days it seems to be a scarce resource…

lol.

so I've finally brought myself to believe, or rather... have a lack of belief in love, purpose, free-will, god, honesty, monogomy, social science, and people. I've become almost like a fucking loon/misanthrope/nihilist. don't care about living. don't care about the economy. don't care about society. don't care about myself. dont care about relationships. don't care about choices. can't really think about anything that really matters to me-to believe in. hope i find something. maybe I should stop being so fucking skeptical, but that would entail being a naive,narcissus-esque, ignorant buffoon... like everyone in my life. fuck. that. I'd rather die a miserable, alone, old man.

engineer

I need it.
but you keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hid.
she won't, so I'll keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep close.
you provide this horrid reflection,
but in the other's eyes, I sense their satisfaction.

and thats enough to draft this fucked contraption.

in reality

liesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesliesin reality, we are all the same.

playtime on beresford

the eyes have it. we won't see this land. we wont see this grand delusion of schemes-of grime. we'll just do the time. do the fucking time.
lets not go far or plan ahead. lets just seek out the inevitable end.
its coming now, as we sit here and play. there's no use hiding, you can't be molded like clay.

step up. step in.

the untold lies we live...

we are aware of eachother's secrets
-through the telepathy our insecurities have grown.
in swearing this dishonesty, with our minute cold clues;
we have entrusted passageway for our mistakes to brew.

I see what you try to hide, from others while at my side.
and I read you like a book, from mountain tops afar.
this cycle of deceit will never say goodbye.

your wall is built of flirtations, pictures, quotes, and lies.
when will you decide to take it down? I promise you a surprise.
for size, I'll give you compassion;
for treachery, I'll give you love;
for construction, I'll give you truth.
it is something you must choose.

or atleast discover.

you shook.

"you talk a good one, but don't want it."

-mobb deep.

so here's your spectacular send off.

Hours, minutes, seconds. Every moment that passes by is not recognized.
I am stressed, weary, and confused. So unsure of everything I believe and trust.
It’s just so fucking hard to rely on anything these days-even my own convictions, it seems...
Fuck it. I’m getting out of here.
It’s bad when the door seems so much freer from the inside. Maybe I need help? No time. Got to leave.
I take my bag and walk past the sink, but something catches my attention. I backtrack and stare into my empty eyes, through the mirror and past the drywall. I’m alive. I think. I grab my notepad-shove it in my bag.

“This should be it.”

Everything seems ready-I know I am. Slip my shoes on and slide past the door. Instantly the winter breeze nips at my legs and fingertips. I don’t mind though; soon enough I’ll be in the passenger seat of a car, just trying to ignore the numbing sensation of my ass.
As I come to the bottom of the stairs, I notice Brittany waiting for me; her smile is warm and I can feel it on my face.

“You got everything; clothes, deodorant, toothbrush…condoms?”
“I got everything”
“you-”
“yeah, let’s just go.”

Corpus Christi. I’m pretty sure that’s where Selena was from...I hope the gulf is as beautiful as this bitch makes it out to be. I need a distraction.
I help Brittany put her things in the back of her Kia, while she blabbers on about how she wishes I would drive half the way. Fuck that. I’m already a liar, don’t want to add death to my conscience’s piling list of issues…

“Wanna stop to get somethin to eat?”
Drive, bitch.
“Well?”
“Nah, I’m good, babe. Can we just get a move on? I don’t wanna get there too late.”
“Well, I’m hungry. I’m just gonna stop at the shopette to get something and buy gas, okay?”

Sigh. The next time she masks her own desires for a concern I’m going to drive-right into a wall. I hate how you get to know some people and it just seems to be a burden.

We pull up and park. She leaves the keys in the ignition, to my surprise, and steps out into the clusterfuck. I wait impatiently, wondering what she’ll end up buying. Did she really believe I brought condoms? Let alone any other thing that would lead to her on top of me… I hope so.
I see her hair flicker in the sun as she exits out the shopette. She is a beautiful girl, but nothing more. She catches my stare and meets it with contentment.
Opening the door and throwing the bag into the back, she sits down and looks at me.

“I love you.”
I smile a fake smile and meet her half way.
“I love you too, baby. Now, can we GO NOW?”
“Mmmhm!”

About two hours in, my butt cheeks got to the point of predicted numbness.
I ignore her texts. I turn off my phone.
Fuck. This could be worse; she could be talking to me. That’s one thing I do appreciate about Brittany, no problem with silences.
As we kept passing the same monotonous scenery, I came to ponder out loud-big mistake.

“Could everything we live be a painting that is changing instantaneously?”
“…WWWHAT?”
“ Time, as we perceive it, could just be an illusion of what happens to only be one moment-where everything is and always has been. Maybe there is no real differentiation between me and the seat I appear to be sitting at in this very moment. “
“what ar-“
“And god-what if god is this moment? This moment that has no definite beginning or end. That everything we see, hear, know, want, touch, love, hate, deny, embrace is god.
Not a being. No deity, but this. “
“Uhhhhh-“
“God is a product of our observations and reactions to those observations. We may never know what fuels our reality because it is nothing but a part of ourselves-of an all encompassing, singular moment that we cannot look outside of. God is this epic poem of explanations, and excuses for the unknown, that we call life.”
“Wow, Greg. Where the hell did all that come from? I swear you have the most random fucking thoughts.”
She chuckles. I want to fucking hurt her so bad.
“Where’s my note…pad…”
“Well, where’d you put your bag, Einstein?”
“Will you shut the fuck UP?”
“What the fuck is your problem? I’m just playing with you; I swear sometimes you act really fucking weird.”

Silence. Finally.

Myyy-realityyy-is-yourrrsss-it's-just-changinggg-too-fassst-for-us-to-rrrealize.
There; all written down in the volumes of my yellow paper. Most of my thoughts are fleeting, I either have to write or draw if I want to hold onto them.

Brittany and I don’t exchange words for a while. Minutes pass us by; they disappear in the rearview mirror. After about an hour, I apologize for what I said. She didn’t say anything back, just kinda smirked and put her hand on mine. I felt better.

It took five and a half lifetimes to get to this fucking city. I can’t feel my legs-or my bladder. It seems I have aged 60 years in a matter of hours…hmmn. What a predicament. Brittany is stressing over the directions to her parent’s rental home. I’m just laying back, staring at the fluorescent lights. I can still remember what they look like from above-fucking beautiful.
Damn, I miss her.

We pull up to a small home, opposite to the gulf. I jump out and stare out at the whispering darkness. I feel the cool moist air and it livens my spirit.

“Let’s go walk on the beach.”
I miss you.
“Greeeeeg, I’m tirrrreddd. We can spend the whole morning on the beach, can’t we just go inside and lay down?”
I need you, baby.
“Sure.”
“Kay, I love you.”
I followed behind her, through the door way, and planted right into her arms.
“I thought you were tired?”
“Yeah, but I’m also horny.”
Her tongue slid passed my lips and I pull back.
“We gotta get up early, baby, can’t it wait?”
“Are you serious right now? A minute ago you were all ready to go out and explore, and now you don’t even wanna put your fucking cock in me? It’s not like it would take you long anyways…”
“You wanna be fucked, baby?”
I hate you.
“Mhmmm.”
You are not human.
“Fine.”

I picked her up and met her lips with mine. Pushing her against the bathroom door and manipulating the head to the side-I pull my puppet’s strings every which way and as hard as I please. She doesn’t mind. After all, she wants to be abused. Wants to be powerless.
I hate her.
She whispers against my neck. She wants to be fucked.
I carry her to the couch and throw her down. As I unzip my pants, she sits up and explores what lies underneath my shirt. My clothes come off. Hers follow.
This night will be a charade.

Maybe it’s me who’s not human.

awkward dream

ahahahahahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
laugh.

fucking laugh, you piece of shit.
the blade is in.
will you twist it,baby? I wanna feel the edge
singe my organs.
it feels good. makes me come.
makes me feel.
it makes me feel.
repetition, repetition; we'll keep turning the wheel.
its the best this world's got to offer.
its the best we have to offer.
so play your drums and sew your lips
the suture wont heal the wounds from whims.