I need new.

I've been in the process of getting over the flu for a week now and it seems like its starting to get. well. worse. isn't my immune system supposed to fight back and kick some swine flu ass? I don't wanna die this young... yet (always gotta leave room for the possibility, you know?). anyways, today was my first day back at work and everyone was afraid to be near me; I felt like a leper, that I should go find a desk and make it my dark and lonely cave. but. I didn't. there's a commercial on tv with talking pepperonis and it makes me feel warm inside. such lovely pizza toppings. damn.

I keep thinking about what i'm going to do when my contract is up. will I be miserable with my life going back to normal? will this hell feel more comfortable? I hope not. I really hope not. I want to be a math teacher and have sex with a super hot soap actress, I want to ride a bike to work everyday and not worry about anything. fuck, what a delusion. I'll never survive one semester in college, let alone a lousy ass community college-with their high school curriculum bullshit. fuck those cunts. ugh.

I really miss my calculator :[

and why does everyone think I'm a miserable human being?
"you're so pessimistic,"
"why must you be so negative about everything?"
blah blah blah FUCK. YOU. I'm a happy person, I just believe in a deterministic world. in many ways I'm much more joyful than people who believe they have freedom from those around them and etc. that they "love" and all those idealistic delusions that come with that baggage.
why can't people be happy with the simple fact that we care for others, simply because they make us feel good. that peers' idea of what is attractive plays an important roll in your own opinion. that we are selfish, materialistic, and guilty beings because of the morals that are instilled on us by society.

even with all these things rustling through my mind, I'm okay with being selfish. I'm okay with seeing people as different sets of values. it doesn't change how much I "love" them. I don't mind that people influence parts of my life, that my childhood has a huge impact of who I am today. that I am human and bound to this world.

when life feels like it is out of your control, which it is, and that you need something to fall back on... there's god; a higher power. yeah, well. when we're children our parents were a higher power. they kept us safe and made everything okay. we didn't have to worry about whether we were in control because they were. maybe thats why its so easy to put that control back into the hands of someone. when our parents aren't there to control our lives and make everything okay anymore, this delusional idea of god will somehow take there place. shit. you get eternal life and pearly gates with the package. fuck yeah. I just think this because my parents never provided me with emotional security or direction. no "love". no feeling of safety. I fucking hated them. the only thing that never lied to me or made since was science. I know what I see.
words and gods are void of meaning to me. its the actions in life that I hold dear, and its the motives behind those actions that I want to be aware offfff so badlyyyy.

I need swedish fish.

I don't know why I am fucking rambling so much. its so boring and senseless.