bad habit.

a lot of the time, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and grab the closest thing i can write on, just to put my thoughts down. sometimes its reciepts, sometimes its philosophy books that make me go back to sleep. I should probably keep a note pad attached to me, literally. I could tie it to my wrist or something.

someone has propagated themselves in my mind, the bastards. I just wrote down some quick stuff so I could write more...well.... right now, at work. hell, its not like I actually have anything to do. not to get off the subject, but the idea to have such a large active duty military is completely rediculous. it exists, in my opinion, to stimulate growth and eliminate stagnation. after all, most cities that the bases are located in would lose TONS of jobs and consumers without them. like the one I'm at. it creates an illusion of actual growth, in my opinion. people pay taxes... to pay me... to buy things in places no one lives... and to make sure that the united states gains more space to do business at.

ANYWAYS, I haven't really looked into it that much to actually know what the fuck I'm talking about. just a bunch of assumptions, I suppose. hmmm. whatever.

she's fucking driving me crazy.

my ADD is raging right now.

oh yeah, i finished the catcher in the rye a few days ago. it was alright. kinda made me feel like I havent grown out of some "stage" yet. i don't know.
so far I've read anthem, the fountainhead, 1984, animal farm, cat's cradle, and those two stupid james frey books again. I don't know what else to waste my time with. any suggestionsaaaaa?
I feel like I've been playing catch up on my literature, since I dropped out of high school. no regrets, though. stupid mother fuckers get institutionalized and get some kind of idea that they're better than you because they went to fucking school. not everyone's sole ambition is to impress everyone around them. I don't need objects of an establishment to tell me I am intelligent or successful. I shall gauge my own accomplishments based off of my desires, not others'.

no more pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaseeeeeee.
I never have an actual subject. my mind is too jumbled.

CALIFORNIA SUCKS!

When you're in the army.

IN THE YEAR 2013.

its becoming increasingly difficult to hide my emotions about my employer... yesterday I pretty much ended my job in public affairs-prolly goin back to S-6. no tellin how long this whole army thing is gonna last, in general.I'm hoping i'll make it to the end of my contract. just gotta keep tellin myself that this will pay off in the end, but fucking god DAMN. damn damn damn FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCK. fuck. I need a kitten-or a bunny. something cute and soft to calm me down. too bad I'm only allowed to have a fish. WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY am I nagging so much lately? I almost feel like there's all this pentup anger building from every little insignificant rule that holds me back. I once heard that all the free men(and women) are the ones in prison. there's a reason they were confined; was it because they are bad people or rebellious in nature? maybe a lil bit of both?...????? am I bad person for wanting to do whatever I wish? or does it make me a bad person for NOT doing what ever i want? kinda pointless to ask-since its up to me to answer... jeez, I'm psycho.

the sand gives way.
our foot steps are hidden by the oaks that overhang.
theres an old boat that's been left to decay in the waters of the lake. its bow stands mightly above the water's murky reach.
the small waves reach our toes.
I speak.
one day all of this will be gone. I hope I'm not alive to see it.
she doesn't say a word, just clears her throat. her hair is untamed and soft. reminds me of a lions mane. her skin blends with the bleached sand.
her eyes meet god in the sky.
can we stay here?
depends on how long you have in mind.
I want to go further. get lost. from the boats, the litter, the cars, the voices, the airplanes, helicopters, and away from the sun. deep into the jungle where the trees make their home.
we walk. I slash. we enter.
the oaks and palms tower high above us. the magnolias, in bloom, fill the thick air with their magnificent perfume. this is where we are meant to survive. the sun's rays struggle against the foilage to make their mark upon the forest floor. ponds and small canals flow through the endless field of ferns.I've entered a cavern that glows a spectrum of greens. no darkness could hide its beauty.
I wish I was high right now.
no darkness.
why?
because I'd prolly go insane and end up getting eaten by an alligator.
no darkness could hide this-she laughs.
um. what?
the colors. they change. from neon, to drab. its like looking through a kaleidoscope.
sooo... where does the alligator come in?
the ticks. I can feel them on my legs.
OH MY GOD, WHAT?
I just imagine if I was high, I'd probably end up flailing in the lake.
...can we go now?
hold on.
I try to take it all in. my home. this is where I belong.
our species started here. then we imagined power. we imagined control. we imagined superiority.
we became lost in a lucid dream.
now we are ruled by gods that we buy, elect, or worship; ruled by gods that we aspire to be.
can we go now?
yeah. lets go.
all there is in prison, is darkness. might as well dream.