Francon.

"Roark, I can accept anything, except what seems to be the easiest for most people: the halfway, the almost, the just about, the in-between. They may have their justifications. I don't know. I don't care to inquire. I know that it is the one thing not given to me to understand. When I think of what you are, I can't accept any reality except a world of your kind. Or atleast a world in which you have a fighting chance and a fight on your own terms. That does not exist. And I can't live a life torn between that which exists-and you. It would mean to struggle against things and men who don't deserve to be your opponents. Your fight, using your methods-and its too horrible a desecration. It would mean doing for you what I did for Peter Keating: lie, flatter, evade, compromise, pander to every ineptitude-in order to beg of them to let you live, to let you function, to beg them, Roark, not to laugh at them, but to tremble because they hold the power to hurt you. Am I too weak because I can't do this? I don't know which is greater strength. To accept all this for you-or to love you so much that the rest is beyond acceptance. I don't know. I love you too much."

unwanted vacation

so, in less than six hours I will be on my way to california to sit in the mojave desert for a month. why? i'm not too sure, but I brought enough books to keep me company. Hopefully, i'll have enough free time to sit back and read them all.

I'm really not sure if I'll be able to post for a while-which is really frustrating. I guess I'll have to find some other outlet to vent.

stop.

just stop. if you knew me, you'd know.
it ain't you no more, girl.
move on like you claim you have; can't you see?
your problems don't have a space in my life.
crush what assumptions you keep, 'cause there's no room for you here.
that ego of yours proves thick, how unfortunate.

I have this overwhelming desire

to tell you I love you.
that i love you a hundred million times over.
it won't end and its okay.
my chest is tight-keeps tryin to push my heart through my throat. I guess it has alot to say that my mind just can't grasp right now.
after all, my brain thinks to much and has nothing but caution to greet my tongue.
my heart beats a tune that my mouth can move to. they sing duets when I feel you're presence. damn it's intense. a part of me wants it to pass, the other side wants to know what follows. does anything follow? perhaps not, but its too enchanting to give up hope.

I'm headin to california in just a little over a week. god damn. and this song won't stop playing in my head.

california stars

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars

I'd love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why
I must keep working on

Yes I'd give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
of California stars

I'd like to dream
My troubles all away
On a bed of California stars

Jump up from my starbed
Make another day
Underneath my California stars

They hang like grapes
On vines that shine
And warm the lovers' glass
Like friendly wine

So I'd give this world
Just to dream a dream with you
On our bed of California stars

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars

I'd love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why
I must keep working on

Yes I'd give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
of California stars

I'd like to dream
My troubles all away
On a bed of California stars

Jump up from my starbed
Make another day
Underneath my California stars

They hang like grapes
On vines that shine
And warm the lovers' glass
Like friendly wine

So I'd give this world
Just to dream a dream with you
On our bed of California stars

So I'd give this world
Just to dream a dream with you
On our bed of California stars

(woody guthrie wrote it, but I've only heard mistuh bragg sing it.)

I got an essay to write, but....

a giant gold fish bowl.
blue hues; the cold infused...
browns surround-a monochrome compass.
lackluster green holds the trees to a plastic only seen on christmas.
the white's been tread by blinded men, no hose could wash away their sins.
lets make it burn.
taste the char upon my lips?
its the ash, in every breath.







a hand trembles with power; not to create or destroy,
but to change.
from paper to poems, then those lines to soot.
all is permanent in existence, although not in state.

if something I write originated in my mind(did it?), does the thought also follow the same rules as what has been written? does it take up space? is it real? can it be measured? can it be lost? how about ruined? one thing's for sure, it can change mediums. a thought can find itself on paper only to rot away into some other form; lost and irretrievable. just like my mind. ha. but seriously, not really.
I'm in a rambling mood, like always...

IN THE YEAR 2013.

its becoming increasingly difficult to hide my emotions about my employer... yesterday I pretty much ended my job in public affairs-prolly goin back to S-6. no tellin how long this whole army thing is gonna last, in general.I'm hoping i'll make it to the end of my contract. just gotta keep tellin myself that this will pay off in the end, but fucking god DAMN. damn damn damn FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCK. fuck. I need a kitten-or a bunny. something cute and soft to calm me down. too bad I'm only allowed to have a fish. WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY am I nagging so much lately? I almost feel like there's all this pentup anger building from every little insignificant rule that holds me back. I once heard that all the free men(and women) are the ones in prison. there's a reason they were confined; was it because they are bad people or rebellious in nature? maybe a lil bit of both?...????? am I bad person for wanting to do whatever I wish? or does it make me a bad person for NOT doing what ever i want? kinda pointless to ask-since its up to me to answer... jeez, I'm psycho.

persian flavored

apparently the army can force you to do lots of things. for instance, it can force you to create a facebook page-in the name of public affairs. fucking bastards. i'ma pee in somone's coffee tomorrow.

censorship sucks.

:[

california stars seventeen chimes

its a great new day, darling.
a great new morning full of prospects, stars, and soon-sunshine.
hold your head up high and sing! sing, sing, sing-cos one day I'll be close enough to hear. and one day I'll be able to sweep you off your feet.
again.
again, again, and again, and I'll never ever, ever stop staring my past into your heart. we'll fill eachother up til our belts are undone.
your helpings of compassion drive me.
you are the dew on my brow. a beautiful waking to everyday-momentary, but a glimpse of whats to come.
no mountain could stop me from gazing from freckle to freckle.
no ocean could drowned out the sound of your mighty seal roar.
and no gunfire, no explosions, no blood, no death will make me forget what matters most. life is nothing but a game with out you.
nothing's real with out you.
bring the peace, babe. bring that song loud and high. language becomes a thing of the past. A new beginning, free of hatred and deceit!
replaced with honest eyes and a voice of silk. sing, sing, sing so the world'll see!
in surprise they'll know-oh, they'll know. that love is what matters.
no matter how fleeting.
show them all, not just me.
I always told you, remember? you're a gift not limited to me.
you're not mine to cage, but I'll always, always, always
be there to open a door for you to fly.

believe me, I spout nonsense. I spout overplayed words and lines.
but does that make them any less mine?
I support a living idea.
someone's gotta keep it goin-and I'll always be a someone.

generation to generation, we've all got our ways.
mine happens to be through you.

dream dream dreams, come my way. I'll keep my banter behind my eyes and on the tip of a pen. for you and who ever cares to see.
cos I realized, it doesn't just have to be you and me.

come to this place.

down, down, down.










to where our souls feed.

the sand gives way.
our foot steps are hidden by the oaks that overhang.
theres an old boat that's been left to decay in the waters of the lake. its bow stands mightly above the water's murky reach.
the small waves reach our toes.
I speak.
one day all of this will be gone. I hope I'm not alive to see it.
she doesn't say a word, just clears her throat. her hair is untamed and soft. reminds me of a lions mane. her skin blends with the bleached sand.
her eyes meet god in the sky.
can we stay here?
depends on how long you have in mind.
I want to go further. get lost. from the boats, the litter, the cars, the voices, the airplanes, helicopters, and away from the sun. deep into the jungle where the trees make their home.
we walk. I slash. we enter.
the oaks and palms tower high above us. the magnolias, in bloom, fill the thick air with their magnificent perfume. this is where we are meant to survive. the sun's rays struggle against the foilage to make their mark upon the forest floor. ponds and small canals flow through the endless field of ferns.I've entered a cavern that glows a spectrum of greens. no darkness could hide its beauty.
I wish I was high right now.
no darkness.
why?
because I'd prolly go insane and end up getting eaten by an alligator.
no darkness could hide this-she laughs.
um. what?
the colors. they change. from neon, to drab. its like looking through a kaleidoscope.
sooo... where does the alligator come in?
the ticks. I can feel them on my legs.
OH MY GOD, WHAT?
I just imagine if I was high, I'd probably end up flailing in the lake.
...can we go now?
hold on.
I try to take it all in. my home. this is where I belong.
our species started here. then we imagined power. we imagined control. we imagined superiority.
we became lost in a lucid dream.
now we are ruled by gods that we buy, elect, or worship; ruled by gods that we aspire to be.
can we go now?
yeah. lets go.
all there is in prison, is darkness. might as well dream.

8 years

i woke. walked outside. the dream continued.
they've started again. just about a week ago or so.
dreams.
I'm not sure if I like them. they're random, but so life-like. some long, some short.
some of her, some of people I don't know-or remember well.
A part of me feels content with a bit of motivation returning to me, but another side of me feels uneasy and scared. some of the dreams remind me of my old life. I don't need that person returning. maybe its too late? I guess time will tell.