notnerd

all week I've been in security+ class and.... have learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHINGGGGGG. I just sleep and surf math subjects on wikipedia. they actually closed port 80 through the routers or switches or firewall stuff-I don't fucking know. fuckers. I wish I had more to say, but I don't.

firefrecks aka jello cups aka cookii crumz

AYE KAY AAAAAAAYE Brett Favre.

not really.

dees is my best friend in the whole wide fucking world. and she makes everything better.
I love her more than anything in this world.

fortune teller.

I called my ex last night and had an awkward conversation. between my phone dying three times and losing service constantly, we managed to say alot of nothing. I felt like calling her would make me feel better-like it used to, but all she managed to do was make me feel worse. the last time my phone died, I decided that I wasn't going to call her back.

I grabbed my computer and made my way to the shower. I put on some porn and closed it after a few seconds. I don't see random people fucking. I just see her. I hate her. I felt the urge to text "I miss your pussy", but decided to say it to her on the phone. I wanted to know how she'd respond-I wanted it to be predictable. it wasn't. I felt angry at myself. she couldn't give me what I wanted-i should've called someone that would've.

slurp intercept firm

since yesterday was a shitfastic time, I took a shower last night, put my uniform on, and passed out. why did i sleep in it you may wonder? so I could sleep as late as possible, that's why. I woke up ten minutes before I had to be at the company, so I scurried down the stair with a quickness only matched by walmart employees. I was agile... and precise. fuck yeah. I'm not gonna go through every lil boring detail of my day, but the weapons reset detail I was on today was awesome. I just slept in a giant parking lot until I had to go to a middle school and tutor young chillins. algebra and geometry(I didn't even know geometry was taught in middleschool...). I felt accomplished and helpful. it also made my lil dream of being a math teacher a real goal. I loved it and... I actually MADE an impact. woo. gold starrrrrr. the tutoring was a good 2 hours. I got it every day of the week, except friday :D

hmmn.

last night, when I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I visioned my father being crushed by a car rolling across the side of a road. then I though of him being ejected through a windshield.

I thought it was gone. apparently not. I don't think it ever will be.

anyways, note to self: stop having sex with promiscuous women.

today was a bi-polar day. we did conditioning drills for pt and I got to watch SGT. Westmoreland be sexy as fuhhhhh while she instructed it all. oh my god i want to fuck her sooo badddddddddd. she's beautiful, quirky, and fit-the only woman I've seen do sit-ups while hanging from a pull-up bar. mmmmm, I need to stop myself. sigh, anyways. after PT I scrambled back to my room to nibble on nasty ass sandwiches and get ready for work. I left around 840 and got to the office to realize I was the only one there... talk about awkward. it turns out I was supposed to be in the motorpool to rearrange our connex for inspection. well. I didn't know that. ofcourse it was a chance for everyone to belittle me again and point out how I never do anything right. but who really cares? certainly not I. we didn't get inspected until around 1030-an hour late. in the army, punctuality only matters if you make less than $30,000 a year. aftere that, my day just turned for the worst, really. not so good phonecalls, I got put on reset detail(rebuilding M16s), and I have until the end of this week to finish my online classes and find a car to purchase. fuck. it doesn't help that I'm starting to really pick apart everyone around me-I'm such a dick to any person who approaches me. how the fuck do you make friends if you dislike the majority of your own society? I guess I'm shit out of luck for now. I really feel like smoking. but at the same time I want lance lungs... so. I'm stuck with this stress. no outlet. no solutionnnnnnnn. I just want to go to afghanistan, be cut off from the world, and sit in the delirious heat. I just wanna good laugh, you know? its good to be able to see humor in your own misery.

societal guilt

I've loved the weather this weekend-its been in the 50s everyday and rainy. the only sounds you hear are the birds and the raindrops-fucking lovely. today I bought most of the components for my bike (except for pedals, handlebar, wheels, and seat). I feel bad for spending so much money on a bike. I can think of so many better thing I could use that money for. helping people. college. investing... mostly helping people though, strangers and friends. oh well. I feel like money can only provide short term relief to others. especially to those I know; they are not able to break the mold that they have been cast into. you help them with debts and all they do is continue to further their problems.

so, I just laid down $2800 for this and i can't wait to spend every dollar I have to build it from the ground up.

I need new.

I've been in the process of getting over the flu for a week now and it seems like its starting to get. well. worse. isn't my immune system supposed to fight back and kick some swine flu ass? I don't wanna die this young... yet (always gotta leave room for the possibility, you know?). anyways, today was my first day back at work and everyone was afraid to be near me; I felt like a leper, that I should go find a desk and make it my dark and lonely cave. but. I didn't. there's a commercial on tv with talking pepperonis and it makes me feel warm inside. such lovely pizza toppings. damn.

I keep thinking about what i'm going to do when my contract is up. will I be miserable with my life going back to normal? will this hell feel more comfortable? I hope not. I really hope not. I want to be a math teacher and have sex with a super hot soap actress, I want to ride a bike to work everyday and not worry about anything. fuck, what a delusion. I'll never survive one semester in college, let alone a lousy ass community college-with their high school curriculum bullshit. fuck those cunts. ugh.

I really miss my calculator :[

and why does everyone think I'm a miserable human being?
"you're so pessimistic,"
"why must you be so negative about everything?"
blah blah blah FUCK. YOU. I'm a happy person, I just believe in a deterministic world. in many ways I'm much more joyful than people who believe they have freedom from those around them and etc. that they "love" and all those idealistic delusions that come with that baggage.
why can't people be happy with the simple fact that we care for others, simply because they make us feel good. that peers' idea of what is attractive plays an important roll in your own opinion. that we are selfish, materialistic, and guilty beings because of the morals that are instilled on us by society.

even with all these things rustling through my mind, I'm okay with being selfish. I'm okay with seeing people as different sets of values. it doesn't change how much I "love" them. I don't mind that people influence parts of my life, that my childhood has a huge impact of who I am today. that I am human and bound to this world.

when life feels like it is out of your control, which it is, and that you need something to fall back on... there's god; a higher power. yeah, well. when we're children our parents were a higher power. they kept us safe and made everything okay. we didn't have to worry about whether we were in control because they were. maybe thats why its so easy to put that control back into the hands of someone. when our parents aren't there to control our lives and make everything okay anymore, this delusional idea of god will somehow take there place. shit. you get eternal life and pearly gates with the package. fuck yeah. I just think this because my parents never provided me with emotional security or direction. no "love". no feeling of safety. I fucking hated them. the only thing that never lied to me or made since was science. I know what I see.
words and gods are void of meaning to me. its the actions in life that I hold dear, and its the motives behind those actions that I want to be aware offfff so badlyyyy.

I need swedish fish.

I don't know why I am fucking rambling so much. its so boring and senseless.

fluid change on a lucid day.

I almost drowned at 8 years old,
my father died and I don't remember when,
I came in a girl at 16,
and I've seen a man turn his face-
into a void.
I felt the water fill my lungs and I fought for the surface.
I was stuck in a rut, alone;
thrashing, sinking.
dying.
he was dead. and I was angry.
the mosquitos swarmed our meshing bodies.
I felt the pricks, I felt the leaves, and-
I felt her heart throbbing from inside.
legs shaking, breathing heavy, pools ablaze.
the street lights put a fire in those eyes...
the m16 blast to his jaw left a gaping hole.
and as his eyes fluttered and rolled behind his skin,
I felt his pain. I felt the river of blood rush from his throat
and i felt my heart in mine.

I feel like drowning myself in the ocean.

"he told me that he had never came when a girl went down on him-I thought to myself... I could be that girl."

"I was just doing him a favor."

your tendencies are showing
and my memories are rushing.
he'll fill your mouth with cum
and your mind will choke on lies.
along with your twisted lines,
plastic eyes,
and absent life.
how could you die?
you drowned with your beauty
in the bottom of that broken bottle.

"I love you, and I am empty"
yeah, well, at least its half true.