borders.

No, not the store, but the invisible boundaries created by the establishment that enforces its laws upon us.

"The establishment, a corporate investment.
The establishment, just one large police force."
What a great corporate message of their own they could put out.

Borders are to recognize different establishments unwillingness to sacrifice power.
sometimes borders are treated as what they are, imaginary lines-in the case of most south american countries, Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan. all know too well, whether from current or historical situations.

although the establishment recognizes borders, when its convenient, the corporate entity that it relies on, does not.
globalization has become rampant and the illusion that the local establishments govern these enities is slowly but surely disolving-since we are forced to consume now. through taxation, the establishment steals what we are "owed" and feeds the dying corporate monster that it relies on. whether we buy or protest, they'll get our money either way. this is our fate in a welfare state. the only way to truely escape would be to drop out of the system-or be a native american-either way would be effective from escaping this black hole.

I think about how budding socialist countries were crippled by governments around the world. how nationalization of resources and many services was never an option. it just shows how transparent even the establishment sees itself; just a sheep in wolf's clothing. the corporate strongholds will never allow the world to be owned by the people, a nation, or absent of ownership entirely. they only see one option and its to rule and own everything. a grandeur delusion-a very detrimental one, at that, to everyone.

la dispute.

I seen a man burn to death, once
He was holding up the match as his hair turned to ash.
How I valued his charisma.

When I was little, I remember seeing an old lady who would walk around with a red wagon.
She'd talk to herself all day, sitting on a bench or just strolling along the streets.
My grandmother would sit with her sometimes. I think she always cared for those with a stigma.
She had many. Still does.

Once I died while climbing down into my basement. Such a cold and dark place, heaven was.
I'm thankful my best friend dragged me out; it was too dusty for my liking.

My father was a distraught man. Always seemed in thought, but refused to say a word.
I know he loved me. with the few ways he could show.
I still have that cigar clipper.

Sometimes I dream awake.
I walk through my mind and life changes around me. I change around me.
It's weird how I'm the only person sleeping through this.

I used to run away from home just to watch my sisters and mother go look for me.
As I sat there in that bush, with my ninja turtle underwear, I knew;
I knew, even then, that they were better off without me.
And me without them.


Fin.

bikes!

I road across the texan countryside all day today. I also had a stare down with a cow as I rode by-such ferocious creatures.
time to go massage my sore gouche :c

damn.

I usually put 500 of each paycheck in my savings, this week I spent all of it... I'm slipping.
no more alcohol. no more fast food. no more fucking gas money-I have a bike, god dammit. saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee!!!!!!! I need that money for later... either college-or trips :]

anyways, I still feel sick from thursday night. which I'm about to divulge into riiiiiiiight neeoowww.

so thursday I went with josh to his apartment for a party we were gonna have that night. we threw that GIGANTIC bottle of grey goose in the freezer and started cleaning up the mess that was his abode. it looked like nobody had lived there for weeks... which was true... so anyways, christie showed up and we had already started drinking. bad choice on my part. I remember tyson, craig & crew, jay's brothers, these black girls, and the stripper neighbor-who I wouldn't stop flirting with apparently.
after everyone got there, and I had my encounter with the stripper lady, I don't remember anything. jay said I was dancing with christie and getting down like I was a "female"; I guess he told me to stop because I was making the guys uncomfortable. I really can't stand fucking gender roles. fucking pisses me off. why can't I just be my self around others and be accepted?people are too insecure about themselves. oh well, but apparently jay beat up tyson and I passed out on josh's bed. jay carried me to his car, cos we had to leave-police were coming-so we headed to his brother sean's place. he helped me up the stairs and plopped me onto a bed. I remember smelling a shoe by my face, but I was too lazy to move it. dammit.
all I know is, when I woke up that morning I was still drunk and I had to watch some show called the 700 club (christian bullshit) til jay woke up. I think they almost converted my soggy brain in one hour. those shows are pretty convincing, I mean the dude healed this lady's fibromyalgia AND healed someone's alcoholism. through skype. fucking bad ass, right? baby jesus sure was working through his sausage-like fingers, fo'sho. ofcourse when I finally felt sober(yesterday morning) I reflected back on what I had seen and felt retarded. never again.

lessons learned tonight

1. don't smoke cigarettes... anymore. they're gross and deteriorate lance lungs.
2. stay away from honkies and their redneck hangouts.
3. make sure to have an exit plan when random cougars try to stick their tongue down your throat.
and 4. stop borrowing clothes and go to goodwill for bountiful booty.
that is all.
oh, and 5. I'm too dumb to figure out my lil maff problem below.

I'm on a motha fuckin boat. Bitch.

Obama funna be here tomorrow.

they set up a giant wall of conexes on the parade field to "guard him from sniper fire".
all these great lengths, just for a puppet of corporate america? makes you think;what if it was T-Pain?

they'd prolly pull out the black hawks.

maria!

I have one and a half friends.

she is black.
she is big.
she is broke.
she is lesbian.
and she is always there for me... even without a phone.

everyone else just uses me for support-in case of hurricanes, I suppose. fuckers.

in other news, kayla called me. she said she's gonna try to come to florida again next summer. I guess I might as well save up my leave... since it doesn't look like its going to get fixed anytime soon.

I have this lil book of buddhist writings, and there's a selection that caught my eye... and makes me laugh.

"those who grasped after views and philosophical opinions, they wander about in the world annoying people."

the story of my life.

and then there's this:

no village law, no law of market town, no law of a single house is this-Of all the world and all the worlds of gods.

This is only the Law, that all things are impermanent.

today.

I got up at 830 this morning to wake murray for whatever reason, but he wasn't even there. I went back to sleep only to be woken up again by a phone call, ten minutes later. fuck. can't ever sleep in.
even though I went straight back to sleep afterwards :]

had another call around 12. forgot I was supposed to go to lunch with my section today. oops.
I threw on some clothes that were sitting on the floor, next to my bed. splashed water on my face and walked out the door. I called my mom to let her know I was ok and attempted to call my grandmother. there phone was off, as usual.

for some reason I got the idea of calling my ex-girlfriend back. boyyyy did i regret that after wards. she always gives me this empty feeling in my chest-along with a sinking one in my stomach... anyways, when berry arrived to pick me up, kayla called me on the way to cheddars. holy fuck it was good to hear her voice. then she hit me hard. she was moving back to italy. to get back with her ex, ofcourse. I loved her so much. I wanted to see her one more time and there's no way thats happening. I felt so defeated.
her last words were "call me when you're not so gloomy". fuck my life.

I got dropped off with the new guy and met up with jay, el capitan, faggle, and sgt tomlin. we ate, discussed goals and got to know eachother a little better. it was nice, I suppose.
el capitan dropped me back off at the barracks and I called jess to talk the day away.
I swear, for some reason I can talk with her more than anyone I know. I don't get it.
from that point on my day was a blurr. hours felts like minutes. minutes were moments.

moments of peaceful silence. something I seem to crave sometimes.

I don't want to stop writing. I don't want to have to be in the moment, I'd rather take myself out and look in. its so hard to come to terms with events that have unfolded.

conflicting edits.

woke up at 450.
got dressed.
picked up my body armor and slung it across my shoulders.
it was warm and snug.
but heavy.

I grabbed my ACH and headed out the door.
the air was cold and bit at my cheeks. didn't mind it much though, it made me feel more alert. as I came to the stairs, they seemed to give under the extra weight on my shoulders. I carefully made my way to the base of the steps and started walking steadily towards the company-to get my M16.
I walked through the back and greeted my comrades with a colorful selection of curse words. a smile came across their tired faces as I plopped into a chair.

we drew our weapons. we grabbed our magazines.
loaded into the LMTV and headed to the range.
8 hours later, we were finished. it was fucking hot and humid as hell. the only thing I could hear out of my left ear was the ringing of 40 rounds-shoulda remembered to put in the ear plugs, dumbass. I was weary, sweaty, hungry, and dying for a drink-and still had a 20 minute drive on the back of that fucking truck.

on the way back is when we caught a glimpse. sirens.

sirens.
sirens.
maybe there was a fire.
who knows, who cares.

we arrived back at the company to find out there had been shootings near the theater.
12 dead.

holy shit.

I pondered the irony of my appearance combined with the coincidence of the current situation.
I stand there, with a semi-automatic weapon in my hands and 50 pounds of body armor on my person-many of us were-and I wasn't even capable of defending myself. I guess you're never safe.

the entire installation was locked down, air conditioning was turned off, and every door was secured from the inside. I really wanted food and a shower- the comfort of my bed and a soft voice to comfort me to sleep; instead I was sitting on the floor of the orderly room, eating girl scout cookies and wondering why people insist on using violence as a tool to solve their troubles.

why can't we be content, as a global community, with our surroundings and what happiness they can bring? why is it so hard to help each other instead of exploiting? I suppose somethings can't change under the circumstances of today. what a shame, what a shame.

I walked out of my barracks room, after the fire alarm had been been pulled, and I stared up at the trees. the leaves semi translucent and glowing a bright green. the moths fluttering in the light, and thenandthere I felt happy. just. that moment-that lasted for quite sometime.

earlier I tried to put my thoughts together, to come up with an entry, but I felt like I had no time... even though all I have is time. I feel as if I wish I could just be at a standstill. everything stop-but not me. I'd put in my head phones,the cure blaring, rip my clothes off, and run wild through texas. I want to walk into my apartment, almost dead from exhaustion-1200 miles? human beings were made to survive, but not like this. I want to scream at the world and let everyone know I am here, but not ready. not ready for time to move on and not ready for people to move on.

I have stripped myself of opportunities, of loved ones, of freedoms-and for what? a second chance? is it worth killing people? supressing others' freedoms? I'm starting to think I'd rather die then be part of this.

its fucking cold, Mr. Smith, and I wish I could see her smile again.

notnerd

all week I've been in security+ class and.... have learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHINGGGGGG. I just sleep and surf math subjects on wikipedia. they actually closed port 80 through the routers or switches or firewall stuff-I don't fucking know. fuckers. I wish I had more to say, but I don't.

firefrecks aka jello cups aka cookii crumz

AYE KAY AAAAAAAYE Brett Favre.

not really.

dees is my best friend in the whole wide fucking world. and she makes everything better.
I love her more than anything in this world.

fortune teller.

I called my ex last night and had an awkward conversation. between my phone dying three times and losing service constantly, we managed to say alot of nothing. I felt like calling her would make me feel better-like it used to, but all she managed to do was make me feel worse. the last time my phone died, I decided that I wasn't going to call her back.

I grabbed my computer and made my way to the shower. I put on some porn and closed it after a few seconds. I don't see random people fucking. I just see her. I hate her. I felt the urge to text "I miss your pussy", but decided to say it to her on the phone. I wanted to know how she'd respond-I wanted it to be predictable. it wasn't. I felt angry at myself. she couldn't give me what I wanted-i should've called someone that would've.

slurp intercept firm

since yesterday was a shitfastic time, I took a shower last night, put my uniform on, and passed out. why did i sleep in it you may wonder? so I could sleep as late as possible, that's why. I woke up ten minutes before I had to be at the company, so I scurried down the stair with a quickness only matched by walmart employees. I was agile... and precise. fuck yeah. I'm not gonna go through every lil boring detail of my day, but the weapons reset detail I was on today was awesome. I just slept in a giant parking lot until I had to go to a middle school and tutor young chillins. algebra and geometry(I didn't even know geometry was taught in middleschool...). I felt accomplished and helpful. it also made my lil dream of being a math teacher a real goal. I loved it and... I actually MADE an impact. woo. gold starrrrrr. the tutoring was a good 2 hours. I got it every day of the week, except friday :D

hmmn.

last night, when I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I visioned my father being crushed by a car rolling across the side of a road. then I though of him being ejected through a windshield.

I thought it was gone. apparently not. I don't think it ever will be.

anyways, note to self: stop having sex with promiscuous women.

today was a bi-polar day. we did conditioning drills for pt and I got to watch SGT. Westmoreland be sexy as fuhhhhh while she instructed it all. oh my god i want to fuck her sooo badddddddddd. she's beautiful, quirky, and fit-the only woman I've seen do sit-ups while hanging from a pull-up bar. mmmmm, I need to stop myself. sigh, anyways. after PT I scrambled back to my room to nibble on nasty ass sandwiches and get ready for work. I left around 840 and got to the office to realize I was the only one there... talk about awkward. it turns out I was supposed to be in the motorpool to rearrange our connex for inspection. well. I didn't know that. ofcourse it was a chance for everyone to belittle me again and point out how I never do anything right. but who really cares? certainly not I. we didn't get inspected until around 1030-an hour late. in the army, punctuality only matters if you make less than $30,000 a year. aftere that, my day just turned for the worst, really. not so good phonecalls, I got put on reset detail(rebuilding M16s), and I have until the end of this week to finish my online classes and find a car to purchase. fuck. it doesn't help that I'm starting to really pick apart everyone around me-I'm such a dick to any person who approaches me. how the fuck do you make friends if you dislike the majority of your own society? I guess I'm shit out of luck for now. I really feel like smoking. but at the same time I want lance lungs... so. I'm stuck with this stress. no outlet. no solutionnnnnnnn. I just want to go to afghanistan, be cut off from the world, and sit in the delirious heat. I just wanna good laugh, you know? its good to be able to see humor in your own misery.

societal guilt

I've loved the weather this weekend-its been in the 50s everyday and rainy. the only sounds you hear are the birds and the raindrops-fucking lovely. today I bought most of the components for my bike (except for pedals, handlebar, wheels, and seat). I feel bad for spending so much money on a bike. I can think of so many better thing I could use that money for. helping people. college. investing... mostly helping people though, strangers and friends. oh well. I feel like money can only provide short term relief to others. especially to those I know; they are not able to break the mold that they have been cast into. you help them with debts and all they do is continue to further their problems.

so, I just laid down $2800 for this and i can't wait to spend every dollar I have to build it from the ground up.

I need new.

I've been in the process of getting over the flu for a week now and it seems like its starting to get. well. worse. isn't my immune system supposed to fight back and kick some swine flu ass? I don't wanna die this young... yet (always gotta leave room for the possibility, you know?). anyways, today was my first day back at work and everyone was afraid to be near me; I felt like a leper, that I should go find a desk and make it my dark and lonely cave. but. I didn't. there's a commercial on tv with talking pepperonis and it makes me feel warm inside. such lovely pizza toppings. damn.

I keep thinking about what i'm going to do when my contract is up. will I be miserable with my life going back to normal? will this hell feel more comfortable? I hope not. I really hope not. I want to be a math teacher and have sex with a super hot soap actress, I want to ride a bike to work everyday and not worry about anything. fuck, what a delusion. I'll never survive one semester in college, let alone a lousy ass community college-with their high school curriculum bullshit. fuck those cunts. ugh.

I really miss my calculator :[

and why does everyone think I'm a miserable human being?
"you're so pessimistic,"
"why must you be so negative about everything?"
blah blah blah FUCK. YOU. I'm a happy person, I just believe in a deterministic world. in many ways I'm much more joyful than people who believe they have freedom from those around them and etc. that they "love" and all those idealistic delusions that come with that baggage.
why can't people be happy with the simple fact that we care for others, simply because they make us feel good. that peers' idea of what is attractive plays an important roll in your own opinion. that we are selfish, materialistic, and guilty beings because of the morals that are instilled on us by society.

even with all these things rustling through my mind, I'm okay with being selfish. I'm okay with seeing people as different sets of values. it doesn't change how much I "love" them. I don't mind that people influence parts of my life, that my childhood has a huge impact of who I am today. that I am human and bound to this world.

when life feels like it is out of your control, which it is, and that you need something to fall back on... there's god; a higher power. yeah, well. when we're children our parents were a higher power. they kept us safe and made everything okay. we didn't have to worry about whether we were in control because they were. maybe thats why its so easy to put that control back into the hands of someone. when our parents aren't there to control our lives and make everything okay anymore, this delusional idea of god will somehow take there place. shit. you get eternal life and pearly gates with the package. fuck yeah. I just think this because my parents never provided me with emotional security or direction. no "love". no feeling of safety. I fucking hated them. the only thing that never lied to me or made since was science. I know what I see.
words and gods are void of meaning to me. its the actions in life that I hold dear, and its the motives behind those actions that I want to be aware offfff so badlyyyy.

I need swedish fish.

I don't know why I am fucking rambling so much. its so boring and senseless.

fluid change on a lucid day.

I almost drowned at 8 years old,
my father died and I don't remember when,
I came in a girl at 16,
and I've seen a man turn his face-
into a void.
I felt the water fill my lungs and I fought for the surface.
I was stuck in a rut, alone;
thrashing, sinking.
dying.
he was dead. and I was angry.
the mosquitos swarmed our meshing bodies.
I felt the pricks, I felt the leaves, and-
I felt her heart throbbing from inside.
legs shaking, breathing heavy, pools ablaze.
the street lights put a fire in those eyes...
the m16 blast to his jaw left a gaping hole.
and as his eyes fluttered and rolled behind his skin,
I felt his pain. I felt the river of blood rush from his throat
and i felt my heart in mine.

I feel like drowning myself in the ocean.

"he told me that he had never came when a girl went down on him-I thought to myself... I could be that girl."

"I was just doing him a favor."

your tendencies are showing
and my memories are rushing.
he'll fill your mouth with cum
and your mind will choke on lies.
along with your twisted lines,
plastic eyes,
and absent life.
how could you die?
you drowned with your beauty
in the bottom of that broken bottle.

"I love you, and I am empty"
yeah, well, at least its half true.

mason jar

full of space, empty space.
empty thoughts; empty lines.

empty eyes.
empty heart.

I breathe the world's misery, its pain fills my lungs.

the rage is flooding my veins.

the fury is building inside my hands.

and the anger? I'm saving it for you.