Teddy Bear

racism, sexism, homophobia, environmentalism.
why?
its like ingrained in some, this prophetic vision of a future planet/society overpopulated and stagnant. and an overwhelming fear that their "kind" will be replaced.

no more _____, _______-fearing, _______-centered culture, etc. (the blanks are there for any person to fill in. these things are not limited to western civilizations. no need for eurocentrism)
and it might seem silly to put environmentalists in with the hate-mongers, but... they fight for a cause for the fear that something they love and hold dear will disappear.

whether it be their culture, "genetic legacy", social class, religion, physical environment, or an amalgous mess of the group, these individuals-or groups-have a basic drive in common: sustainment/preservation.

only thing that seems left in the U.S. seems to be:
"political correctness", absence of culture and morality,
apathy, hopelessness, poverty, urban sprawl, bums,
pesticides, ADD, cancer, wasteful food crops, cattle, water shortages,
mass murders and suicides,
not one place left to hide.

you all have created a perfect society. congratulations.

I gotta say though, I do believe that the homosexuals are our one true hope. maybe they can stop babies from being born...forever. probably only if theres a war between gay men and gay women in the future.
the men won't give lil spermies to the imperialist lesbians and as the marginalized gay men go on screwing everyone in the ass, literally and figuratively, the lesbians will bomb the shit out of em.
there ends all human life as we know it.

hopefully, the lesbians will be against cloning-or too stupid to figure it out.

clear as day

I smellz like a big dirty dumpster. ofcourse thats usually what happens when you climb into one and start rummaging around. I love my job. to be entertained by your own humiliation is a strange thing... I haven't slept in a while. I really really need to sleep. too much black girl butt grabbing. I was told by a psychiatrist on thursday that I have anti-social personality disorder-Iwish-guess I've got another label to wear round my neck, though. why is photography so important to people? why must every event be documented? It seems like such a waste of time and completely rapes the moment. fuckin A. what the hell am I to do with myself... I'm so jaded by personal problems and faded from reality. I need someone in my life who's much more brave-a honey badger of a woman to validate everything I do, write, and say. that's so fucking pathetic. I can't really say we all are, but I most definately am. oh well. who cares. doom path. that's my lyffe. its quite interesting when I think of how I never have or will do anything that is beneficial to society. why must it be important to be remembered? I don't know what to think. I use I alot. I I I I fucking me me me. god dammit. whatever. death seems so boring, normal, and temporary to me for some reason. Ifeel like I should be afraid and either think i'ma die and be nothing of nothingness forever and ever or be a lil angel in heaven. but I don't. I feel like I wont die, even when I diediedie-since I don't care about dying, its as if the subject is irrelevant to my existance. like, I'm exempt from the laws of lifenessness. what the hell am I babbling about... I never babble anymore. it makes me sad. I'm glad I'm doing it now. I wonder if theyre gonna make me lurk in the dumpsters now? who knowssssss.

P.S. I got left in austin during SXSW. and lemme tell you. I now officially hate all stereotypes of people. fucking hipsters.

why am i such an ass?

who knows. Who CARES!
:3

FUCK! TURKEY GERBILS!

my bike broke.I am one sad, sad scuba shoe.
the bike shop said it would take 1-2 days for "services" to process the request for my bike to be shipped for warranty evaluation and if it's accepted, it will be 4-6 weeks til I get my new bike.
dasss uh lottah forrrz.

and that.
 is a looooooong time to be without Bicyle, my frand.

on a different note, I find myself very conflicted on the effect advancing technology has on our lives.
you know, whether or not the "positives" outweigh the "negatives".
the romantic in me wants to believe the world would be better if we tore down our buildings, scrapped our cars, and burned our clothes.
the pessimist believes modern civilization, although it will surely destroy the world's pre-civilization environment, has persisted for a reason: it works better("higher standard of living", lower mortality rates, longer life expectancy, blah blah blah)-for the collective- and since that is a true fact, it is impossible to topple it as a minority.

look up "ship of fools" by theodore kaczynski. its a good lil story.
ya know that brings me to somefin else...
he (kaczynski) tried to change the world. he failed. know why? because he was STUPID.
he mailed bombs to people as a political protest against technology and to get leverage against media outlets.
"air my manifesto or I kill more people."
and although I found it very informative(industrial society and its future), why did he care so much as to try and force people to accept his belief system as superior? all he ended up accomplishing was being labeled as a psychotic terrorist AND life in prison. angry people do angry things. nobody's perfect, I suppose. but its funny how some hate authoritarianism but they themselves preach it. violence to end violence makes no sense. WHEN WILL PEOPLE SEE THAT!?


rayray-san says: don't fight current, 
but don't give up and float away, either.
the river'll flow with or without you in it.
rayray-san says: follow along its banks to your destination.
It'll make your travels much easier and efficient...

-end jibber jabber.

this makes no sense. nothing I write makes sense.

reminisce of tear filled shadows
discarded in broken street lights and passing cars
unwanted passengers on a two lane disaster
where's your master, who left his trash as my treasure?
"It's a pleasure," says an angel at my side, "for love is bountiful between my legs."

carbonated thoughts burn through throats
and maggots line the inside of my coat, censoring your canvas of moral decay
with skin smelling like lilies in may, open sores should not be displayed
we'll blow kisses to wounds from tomorrow's infection
to show our affection for rust clad whores.

so once more, a heavenly creature festers at the seams
she's a dark roaring ocean that'll tell of our dreams
with tacos, tantrums, and cyanide pills
fourth meal is calling, come get your fill.

I know I will.

a love that is fashioned from raisin bran and melting stars
it is ours to forget in a busy world of busy bees
us larvae lost in a southwest sea of tortilla reveries
no metamorphosis of memories, you see.

sevens to eighths, with firsts in between
all time spent was perfect to me.

I'm an isotope of tasty cantaloupe, girl-won'tchu be mine?

something wonderful is happening in this world. every moment, molecules work in harmony to no decision or thought of their own. they create a vivid and vast environment that we are all apart of.

 they clash! they split! they fuse!

they embrace. 

and we are apart of it.

the gods are our creators, creations, and creatures!
we are our makers!

 a vast vessel made of tissue and sinew,

 filled with highways for a flourishing community of cells made of happy little fellows.

we all see the big picture, I don't think that's a problem. its hard to say if I can empathize with atoms of adams from eves in a garden of particles. the screens keep gettin bigger, but the pictures not gettin any more clear. what a shame. sham. shoop.

shwop!

reality TV

whoosh. whoosh. whoosh.the blinds keep blowing in my face and everyone keeps yelling at me to close the window. whoooooooooshhhhhhhhh. I really don't mind it though. I find the constant crinkling climb of the office caterpillar kind of comforting. whooshwhooshwhoooooshhhhhhhh. its like face planting into a giant bowl of crispy celery.
aahhh.
now, take that however you'd like, but that sure sounds dandy to me.
whoosh WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH!!
that gust was perfect. just fucking perfect.



my days are perfect.
I wake up, look out my window and think of the different extravagant ways I'd land from three stories up. tens across the board, I'm sure. my morning showers are a display of flopping genitalia and elegant squeals of folk legends long gone. I skip to work at a tempo fit for a funeral procession. the blue skies come out from hiding and the trees flaunt their newly awakened beauty. remember zippity doo da? with the crazy old bastard with no teefs? story of my LYFFFFFE. except the birds attack me from time to time. you see, in texas the doves and magpie interbred and now theres these ferocious mutant dovepies that lurk the shadows along the sidewalks. one must always be ready. for anything. why, just the other day a dovepie kamikazied into a street pole. birds are just falling outta the sky these days. whether it be because of their inherent blindness, or insatiable blood thirst...I don't think texas is ready for the answer.

anyways.

WHOOSH WHOOSH wooooosh. back at the office I make a cup of coffee to start off the day. as I stir the cream in with random office supplies, I try to think up different ways to waste my 9 to 5 away. most of the time it involves pretending to write memos or hiding in conexes. sometimes though, I get wrapped up in other peoples's'sss escapades. last week I was involved in a failed attempt at rock climbing. they tried to throw me on the roof to get an antenna down and I only made it three quarters of the way. up. ever seen a cat climb up a wall?
yeah.
well.
I can't do that.

nowadays, my life after work is a cigarette haze of musty vaginas, smirnoff ice, and ibuprofen. speaking of vaginas, I'm starting to notice how I have a tendency to turn every woman into a printing press of hatred and uh. um. slut-nessy. its weird how I'm secretly a misogynist even though I always end up rambling about women's rights and beauty when I'm drunk as hell. some of you know what I mean... I just wish for ONCE I could be less of a narcissistic, stubborn, manipulative piece of shit. I wonder if that's even humanly possible? maybe I gotta chemical imbalance-or some kinda childhood trauma? or maybe I'm just too free. maybe I just do and don't care. I used to say that was the definition of a slave; just a person that has no input or choice-but who knows WHAT to believe these days...

I certainly don't. and just plainly don't fucking care.
I'm part of the Hopeless Generation. we got a bleak and wonderful future ahead of us.
better get your 3-D glasses for the finale.

emotionallychargedramblingduringstupidrelationshipclass

family/states/countries/cliques/continents/blah blah blah
------------------------------
imagined communities have become more important to most-through technology. the value in actual community has been lost. technology has created a paradox. not only has it created a way to communicate easier, but it has also taken the social & communal factor out of the equation. it is now a numbers game. apathy is the new kid on the block.
------------------------------
knowledge is based upon PERCIEVED truth. (it requires faith in a belief system, which is relient of your environment). every action is motivated by an individual's PERCIEVED "truth" of their environment. you can never KNOW another person because human beings can only see know their truth; their "point-of-view". it is not necessarily inpossible to see other answers to the question of an individual's motives(for an action), BUT it is impossible to truely believe that the ANSWER could be something you-yourself-have never experienced.
------------------------------
I am not saying that because all individual's "truth" is percieved differently that their can be no absolute truth (only semantically), but that we cannot KNOW it. we can only describe things that we percieve as happening. Ideas constantly change. semantically, the definition of truth is something you know is right. its a rule. so if we cannot know what is the absolute truth about ANYTHING, then event that cannot be known. the matter of truth is irrelevant. it is a paradoxical IDEA. A flawed invention of the collective man. their there is only perceptions & how you percieve them. are they all truth? some truth? or are they all delusions inaccurate?
------------------------------
something that just popped in my head as I copied the bolded part down...
truth is seperate from the action percieved and only relevent to the PERCEPTION of the act.
a definition is the perfect example. a definition describes an idea. the IDEA, on the other hand, describes an action. regardless of whether something is, a definition exists. making it a truth. those truths can be overrided after time. although the perception of the act may change, the act does not. the only thing we can say for certain, the only truth, is that we DO percieve said action in said way. THAT is the truth.

a definition describes an idea, not an action. this is why it can change. acts can be percieved differently, therefore different ideas can be conceptualized, leading to debate on which idea is better. the idea that is better is then defined and replaces the old definition that described the old idea. real does not exist. only not real. and that is where truth is found. what is "real" can never be percieved, so cannot be truth. I'm an idiot.

bad habit.

a lot of the time, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and grab the closest thing i can write on, just to put my thoughts down. sometimes its reciepts, sometimes its philosophy books that make me go back to sleep. I should probably keep a note pad attached to me, literally. I could tie it to my wrist or something.

someone has propagated themselves in my mind, the bastards. I just wrote down some quick stuff so I could write more...well.... right now, at work. hell, its not like I actually have anything to do. not to get off the subject, but the idea to have such a large active duty military is completely rediculous. it exists, in my opinion, to stimulate growth and eliminate stagnation. after all, most cities that the bases are located in would lose TONS of jobs and consumers without them. like the one I'm at. it creates an illusion of actual growth, in my opinion. people pay taxes... to pay me... to buy things in places no one lives... and to make sure that the united states gains more space to do business at.

ANYWAYS, I haven't really looked into it that much to actually know what the fuck I'm talking about. just a bunch of assumptions, I suppose. hmmm. whatever.

she's fucking driving me crazy.

my ADD is raging right now.

oh yeah, i finished the catcher in the rye a few days ago. it was alright. kinda made me feel like I havent grown out of some "stage" yet. i don't know.
so far I've read anthem, the fountainhead, 1984, animal farm, cat's cradle, and those two stupid james frey books again. I don't know what else to waste my time with. any suggestionsaaaaa?
I feel like I've been playing catch up on my literature, since I dropped out of high school. no regrets, though. stupid mother fuckers get institutionalized and get some kind of idea that they're better than you because they went to fucking school. not everyone's sole ambition is to impress everyone around them. I don't need objects of an establishment to tell me I am intelligent or successful. I shall gauge my own accomplishments based off of my desires, not others'.

no more pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaseeeeeee.
I never have an actual subject. my mind is too jumbled.

if a tree falls in a forest and know one's around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

fuck you, cockfungus. who cares? WHY would anyone in their right minds ever ask such a stupid fucking question, anyways? I'd give my life for the opportunity to punch the motherfucker that came up with that-right in their forehead.


I can honestly say I am ashamed, but will endure shame-because I'm alright with selling my soul and being a hypocrite. I wrote a big retarded explanation of it all, then realized how fucking stupid I was being.
"you talk a good one, but don't want it."
I am a part of the weak that feeds off the strong. I am a tool. and I want to be a human again :] yay!
WRONG.
does that really mean anything at all? to be human, is that any different from being a toothbrush? don't read into that too much-but if you do, you'd prolly say to yourself, "he's genius," which is an acceptable conclusion.

am I a user or a tool? does it matter what you call it? if you rely on tools to accomplish what you desire or need, does that not make you-in itself-a tool to meet the objects purpose? one might say an object has no purpose unless given one by a user, though a human can be either one. so there really isn't a difference is there? we have as much purpose, and as much REAL use as, well, everything. human beings are useless. everything on earth is useless. everything in existance is FUCKING USELESS. we have nothing inherent except what is and what we end up shoving up our own ass. if every human being was completely rational, their heads would spontaneously explode. a symphony no one would ever hear.
I think I wanna just say fuck you to everyone on earth, fuck their lovers and daughters, then go jump off a cliff thats not high enough to end me. I think that'd be kind of funny. as agonizing and as fucking pyschopainfulretarded as that sounds, it appeals to me-I've already knocked a couple of those wives and daughters off the list to begin with, and have told approximately .0000001% of the world's population, "eff yoo". its a good start.
but maybe that is too unrealistic of a 4th&goal. being drunk on a boat and getting smacked in the face with an owl-then falling into a river and drowning is more realistic. I almost like that one better. the more pathetic it seems to me, the better. its a great thing-immortal from its conception. being alive is pathetic. its fun, but pathetic nevertheless. completely pointless useless pathetic, but just as poetic.

I'm gonna go drink another gallon of coffee now.

19 something.

its 0539 in florida. 0439 in texas.
0239 here. I have five more hours on shift.
I am bare.
I am irritable.
I am anxious to know these mountainsvacantskiesandshamelesscreatures.
four more hours and the world shall turn upside down.

you have to see it.
standing on a starless sky. a glowing emptiness to dissolve in.

two more weeks.

my lips are cracked from god's clay kiln.
no moisture escapes these eyes-not these days or those ahead.

the grand canyon stands tall, I'm sure it does.
maybe one day we'll see it's hues
-like everett ruess and his navajo wife.
some would say a backdrop... in absentia of life.
I think we know better.

I got an essay to write, but....

a giant gold fish bowl.
blue hues; the cold infused...
browns surround-a monochrome compass.
lackluster green holds the trees to a plastic only seen on christmas.
the white's been tread by blinded men, no hose could wash away their sins.
lets make it burn.
taste the char upon my lips?
its the ash, in every breath.







a hand trembles with power; not to create or destroy,
but to change.
from paper to poems, then those lines to soot.
all is permanent in existence, although not in state.

if something I write originated in my mind(did it?), does the thought also follow the same rules as what has been written? does it take up space? is it real? can it be measured? can it be lost? how about ruined? one thing's for sure, it can change mediums. a thought can find itself on paper only to rot away into some other form; lost and irretrievable. just like my mind. ha. but seriously, not really.
I'm in a rambling mood, like always...

lol.

so I've finally brought myself to believe, or rather... have a lack of belief in love, purpose, free-will, god, honesty, monogomy, social science, and people. I've become almost like a fucking loon/misanthrope/nihilist. don't care about living. don't care about the economy. don't care about society. don't care about myself. dont care about relationships. don't care about choices. can't really think about anything that really matters to me-to believe in. hope i find something. maybe I should stop being so fucking skeptical, but that would entail being a naive,narcissus-esque, ignorant buffoon... like everyone in my life. fuck. that. I'd rather die a miserable, alone, old man.

borders.

No, not the store, but the invisible boundaries created by the establishment that enforces its laws upon us.

"The establishment, a corporate investment.
The establishment, just one large police force."
What a great corporate message of their own they could put out.

Borders are to recognize different establishments unwillingness to sacrifice power.
sometimes borders are treated as what they are, imaginary lines-in the case of most south american countries, Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan. all know too well, whether from current or historical situations.

although the establishment recognizes borders, when its convenient, the corporate entity that it relies on, does not.
globalization has become rampant and the illusion that the local establishments govern these enities is slowly but surely disolving-since we are forced to consume now. through taxation, the establishment steals what we are "owed" and feeds the dying corporate monster that it relies on. whether we buy or protest, they'll get our money either way. this is our fate in a welfare state. the only way to truely escape would be to drop out of the system-or be a native american-either way would be effective from escaping this black hole.

I think about how budding socialist countries were crippled by governments around the world. how nationalization of resources and many services was never an option. it just shows how transparent even the establishment sees itself; just a sheep in wolf's clothing. the corporate strongholds will never allow the world to be owned by the people, a nation, or absent of ownership entirely. they only see one option and its to rule and own everything. a grandeur delusion-a very detrimental one, at that, to everyone.

I have this lil book of buddhist writings, and there's a selection that caught my eye... and makes me laugh.

"those who grasped after views and philosophical opinions, they wander about in the world annoying people."

the story of my life.

and then there's this:

no village law, no law of market town, no law of a single house is this-Of all the world and all the worlds of gods.

This is only the Law, that all things are impermanent.

societal guilt

I've loved the weather this weekend-its been in the 50s everyday and rainy. the only sounds you hear are the birds and the raindrops-fucking lovely. today I bought most of the components for my bike (except for pedals, handlebar, wheels, and seat). I feel bad for spending so much money on a bike. I can think of so many better thing I could use that money for. helping people. college. investing... mostly helping people though, strangers and friends. oh well. I feel like money can only provide short term relief to others. especially to those I know; they are not able to break the mold that they have been cast into. you help them with debts and all they do is continue to further their problems.

I need new.

I've been in the process of getting over the flu for a week now and it seems like its starting to get. well. worse. isn't my immune system supposed to fight back and kick some swine flu ass? I don't wanna die this young... yet (always gotta leave room for the possibility, you know?). anyways, today was my first day back at work and everyone was afraid to be near me; I felt like a leper, that I should go find a desk and make it my dark and lonely cave. but. I didn't. there's a commercial on tv with talking pepperonis and it makes me feel warm inside. such lovely pizza toppings. damn.

I keep thinking about what i'm going to do when my contract is up. will I be miserable with my life going back to normal? will this hell feel more comfortable? I hope not. I really hope not. I want to be a math teacher and have sex with a super hot soap actress, I want to ride a bike to work everyday and not worry about anything. fuck, what a delusion. I'll never survive one semester in college, let alone a lousy ass community college-with their high school curriculum bullshit. fuck those cunts. ugh.

I really miss my calculator :[

and why does everyone think I'm a miserable human being?
"you're so pessimistic,"
"why must you be so negative about everything?"
blah blah blah FUCK. YOU. I'm a happy person, I just believe in a deterministic world. in many ways I'm much more joyful than people who believe they have freedom from those around them and etc. that they "love" and all those idealistic delusions that come with that baggage.
why can't people be happy with the simple fact that we care for others, simply because they make us feel good. that peers' idea of what is attractive plays an important roll in your own opinion. that we are selfish, materialistic, and guilty beings because of the morals that are instilled on us by society.

even with all these things rustling through my mind, I'm okay with being selfish. I'm okay with seeing people as different sets of values. it doesn't change how much I "love" them. I don't mind that people influence parts of my life, that my childhood has a huge impact of who I am today. that I am human and bound to this world.

when life feels like it is out of your control, which it is, and that you need something to fall back on... there's god; a higher power. yeah, well. when we're children our parents were a higher power. they kept us safe and made everything okay. we didn't have to worry about whether we were in control because they were. maybe thats why its so easy to put that control back into the hands of someone. when our parents aren't there to control our lives and make everything okay anymore, this delusional idea of god will somehow take there place. shit. you get eternal life and pearly gates with the package. fuck yeah. I just think this because my parents never provided me with emotional security or direction. no "love". no feeling of safety. I fucking hated them. the only thing that never lied to me or made since was science. I know what I see.
words and gods are void of meaning to me. its the actions in life that I hold dear, and its the motives behind those actions that I want to be aware offfff so badlyyyy.

I need swedish fish.

I don't know why I am fucking rambling so much. its so boring and senseless.