lessons learned tonight

1. don't smoke cigarettes... anymore. they're gross and deteriorate lance lungs.
2. stay away from honkies and their redneck hangouts.
3. make sure to have an exit plan when random cougars try to stick their tongue down your throat.
and 4. stop borrowing clothes and go to goodwill for bountiful booty.
that is all.
oh, and 5. I'm too dumb to figure out my lil maff problem below.

I'm on a motha fuckin boat. Bitch.

Obama funna be here tomorrow.

they set up a giant wall of conexes on the parade field to "guard him from sniper fire".
all these great lengths, just for a puppet of corporate america? makes you think;what if it was T-Pain?

they'd prolly pull out the black hawks.

maria!

I have one and a half friends.

she is black.
she is big.
she is broke.
she is lesbian.
and she is always there for me... even without a phone.

everyone else just uses me for support-in case of hurricanes, I suppose. fuckers.

in other news, kayla called me. she said she's gonna try to come to florida again next summer. I guess I might as well save up my leave... since it doesn't look like its going to get fixed anytime soon.

I have this lil book of buddhist writings, and there's a selection that caught my eye... and makes me laugh.

"those who grasped after views and philosophical opinions, they wander about in the world annoying people."

the story of my life.

and then there's this:

no village law, no law of market town, no law of a single house is this-Of all the world and all the worlds of gods.

This is only the Law, that all things are impermanent.

today.

I got up at 830 this morning to wake murray for whatever reason, but he wasn't even there. I went back to sleep only to be woken up again by a phone call, ten minutes later. fuck. can't ever sleep in.
even though I went straight back to sleep afterwards :]

had another call around 12. forgot I was supposed to go to lunch with my section today. oops.
I threw on some clothes that were sitting on the floor, next to my bed. splashed water on my face and walked out the door. I called my mom to let her know I was ok and attempted to call my grandmother. there phone was off, as usual.

for some reason I got the idea of calling my ex-girlfriend back. boyyyy did i regret that after wards. she always gives me this empty feeling in my chest-along with a sinking one in my stomach... anyways, when berry arrived to pick me up, kayla called me on the way to cheddars. holy fuck it was good to hear her voice. then she hit me hard. she was moving back to italy. to get back with her ex, ofcourse. I loved her so much. I wanted to see her one more time and there's no way thats happening. I felt so defeated.
her last words were "call me when you're not so gloomy". fuck my life.

I got dropped off with the new guy and met up with jay, el capitan, faggle, and sgt tomlin. we ate, discussed goals and got to know eachother a little better. it was nice, I suppose.
el capitan dropped me back off at the barracks and I called jess to talk the day away.
I swear, for some reason I can talk with her more than anyone I know. I don't get it.
from that point on my day was a blurr. hours felts like minutes. minutes were moments.

moments of peaceful silence. something I seem to crave sometimes.

I don't want to stop writing. I don't want to have to be in the moment, I'd rather take myself out and look in. its so hard to come to terms with events that have unfolded.

conflicting edits.

woke up at 450.
got dressed.
picked up my body armor and slung it across my shoulders.
it was warm and snug.
but heavy.

I grabbed my ACH and headed out the door.
the air was cold and bit at my cheeks. didn't mind it much though, it made me feel more alert. as I came to the stairs, they seemed to give under the extra weight on my shoulders. I carefully made my way to the base of the steps and started walking steadily towards the company-to get my M16.
I walked through the back and greeted my comrades with a colorful selection of curse words. a smile came across their tired faces as I plopped into a chair.

we drew our weapons. we grabbed our magazines.
loaded into the LMTV and headed to the range.
8 hours later, we were finished. it was fucking hot and humid as hell. the only thing I could hear out of my left ear was the ringing of 40 rounds-shoulda remembered to put in the ear plugs, dumbass. I was weary, sweaty, hungry, and dying for a drink-and still had a 20 minute drive on the back of that fucking truck.

on the way back is when we caught a glimpse. sirens.

sirens.
sirens.
maybe there was a fire.
who knows, who cares.

we arrived back at the company to find out there had been shootings near the theater.
12 dead.

holy shit.

I pondered the irony of my appearance combined with the coincidence of the current situation.
I stand there, with a semi-automatic weapon in my hands and 50 pounds of body armor on my person-many of us were-and I wasn't even capable of defending myself. I guess you're never safe.

the entire installation was locked down, air conditioning was turned off, and every door was secured from the inside. I really wanted food and a shower- the comfort of my bed and a soft voice to comfort me to sleep; instead I was sitting on the floor of the orderly room, eating girl scout cookies and wondering why people insist on using violence as a tool to solve their troubles.

why can't we be content, as a global community, with our surroundings and what happiness they can bring? why is it so hard to help each other instead of exploiting? I suppose somethings can't change under the circumstances of today. what a shame, what a shame.

I walked out of my barracks room, after the fire alarm had been been pulled, and I stared up at the trees. the leaves semi translucent and glowing a bright green. the moths fluttering in the light, and thenandthere I felt happy. just. that moment-that lasted for quite sometime.

earlier I tried to put my thoughts together, to come up with an entry, but I felt like I had no time... even though all I have is time. I feel as if I wish I could just be at a standstill. everything stop-but not me. I'd put in my head phones,the cure blaring, rip my clothes off, and run wild through texas. I want to walk into my apartment, almost dead from exhaustion-1200 miles? human beings were made to survive, but not like this. I want to scream at the world and let everyone know I am here, but not ready. not ready for time to move on and not ready for people to move on.

I have stripped myself of opportunities, of loved ones, of freedoms-and for what? a second chance? is it worth killing people? supressing others' freedoms? I'm starting to think I'd rather die then be part of this.

its fucking cold, Mr. Smith, and I wish I could see her smile again.