Wednesday, April 28, 2010

karma collisions.

everybody says I'm better.
maybe they're right-in more ways then they ever meant.

Friday, April 23, 2010

mandatory fun.

i drove with bradley and taylor to the event at BLORA (belton lake outdoor recreation area; the army abbreviates everything). it was a relaxing ride their-bradley's daughter introduced me to turtle bubbles. cool.
when I got there, I got strange looks-as usual-because of the way I dress. honestly I can't deny the fact that i like the attention. I walk up to perez, robles, moore, and berry who are setting up the PA system.
"hell no, guy."
perez finally gave in after I explained my undying love for karaoke.
I sung that catfish song, which was well recieved by my peers. but the inevitable happened-and I was replaced with rap music. sigh.

we were there to wish a few people a fairwell, since they were transitioning from military life to civilian. it was nice.
FINALLY found a picture of that day

the lake had a veil of mist, protecting it from the early sun. there were low laying clouds rising over the tree covered mountains-and cliffs. all I wanted to do was walk the earth-like jesus.
nobody felt the same, though... which inevitably left me feeling homesick for those who would've understood my desires.
everyone showed up and we speculated on which ladies had the nicest boobs and asses. I wish I could write everything down, but even I have limits to what i can and cannot say...

fuckin afghans.

this dream hasn't been clear in over a week.
"hey, you wanna go for a ride?"
"on your bike?"
"no, in your car. smartass."
"where to?"
"we'll see, I guess. wanna see if clara wants to come?"
"you sure?"
I can hear the currents flowing. the rocks refusing to give way. I don't want to be made smooth, don't shear my rough edges.
she talks with such enthusiasm, how could she when I'm around? its surprising how anyone can sustain my eradic personality.
"you ready?"
"hold on."
I take the rest of my uniform off and reach for my shorts. she comes to me.
"you are a gift."
"you are a gift."
"why do you say that?"
"I just feel like-I don't really appreciate you as much as I should. you do alot for me."
"I love you, greg."
I kiss her cold lips and slide my shorts on. her eyes drift else where, to a corner of the room.
"you okay?"
"yeah, I'm just thinking."
"should I call the MPs?"
"NO. shut up."
"come on. lets go-is clara coming or not?"
she sighs and looks down at my shoes, kicking them over to me
"yeah, she's gonna meet us out front."
the locker door seals. my woes are safe from sunshine.
we make our way down the all too familiar steps and walk the all too familiar path to the lot. clara is waiting in her car, with a baffled look on her face.
"where we goin?"
"good question, ask him."
"we're taking you're car then, I'm not using MY gas."
I can't stand that fucking girl-she gets on my nerves more than any other. although, she fills empty space quite well, with that mouth that never ceases.
"so olsen, where we goin?"
"you know, you can call me by my first name."
"I know. olsen."
"forget it. britt, just drive towards the wash rack-"
"why are we going there?"
"WE AREN'T. I just-just drive."
the red lights were bipolar fits of rage, involving a pattern of fluctuations between clara's annoying voice and lil wayne's. sometimes it seemed to fit.
we headed out the gate and the flowers ran at our sides.
I roll down the window and hang myself to dry. I can see her smiling, and I can smell them replying.
"so olsen, any idea where we're going yet?"
"where, babe?"
"I'll tell you when to stop."
"oh my god. I HATE when you do this-please don't expect me to slam on my brakes like that trip to pet smart."
"don't worry, I'll give you fair warning."
the turns fill my head and the hills overwhelm my heart. I wish you could see this.
we pass a truck on the side of the road.
she pulls over after we pass a small bridge-I can tell she's agitated. oops.
"I'm sorry?"
"because! I wanted it to be a surprise! its more exciting."
I can hear clara laughing over brittany's persistent wailing. it makes me forget how frustrated she really is.

I get out of the car cautiously, watching for passing trucks. I make my way along the outside of the guard rail and down the grassy hills. I can hear it past the trees.
"where are you going?!"
"just come here!"
they carefully trot behind me, daintily and calculating each step-it makes me laugh.
"nothing, you're just fucking cute."
"...I know."
she smiles and her eyes glow with the tree's new leaves.
the sun drips.
her gaze fills my mind as we head towards the roaring waters.
I wonder if she'd enjoy this? would she do this with me? would I be any happier? just stop thinking.
I come to a halt before I can even pass the trees. its a drop of about 15 feet; don't think we'll be going down this way...
"what's wrong?"
"um.. we can't get down this way."
"why not?"
"look for yourself."
I miss your fragrance, girl.
"holy shit, thats high."
"we can just walk down underneath the bridge."
its steep concrete, and the tension is high. get out of my fucking head.
"I don't wanna get your car wet."
I sit with my feet in the water, as I pull my clothes off.
"make me."
clara watches as brittany follows me into the creek. I walk backwards and taunt her with my shorts above my head.
she falls over constantly from the awkward surface and the rush of cold water. I run up on shore and throw my clothes on a log.
"greeeeeeeeeeeeg! please put them back on."
I carefully make my way in and get clara from the other side,; she gets on my shouders and laughs.
"thanks, I really didn't know I'd need a bathing suit."
"you don't!"
"nah, I'm good. people can see you, yah know."
"I don't care."
as I'm watching my footing I look up. fuck.
"you don't wanna wear clothes like normal people, asshole? well then."
she winds back and I can't help but react. I release clara from my grips and drop her in. she screams. I trudge through the waters and start swimming after my fleeing garments. thankfully, they were caught by a branch.
"YOU ASSHOLE. OH MY GOD. I can't believe you threw me!"
"I didn't throw you, clara."
"oh my god-yes, you did."
brittany laughs and I smile. we have good times, but for some reason, when I look up from my own two feet, all I can do is wish you're here. why is that? maybe roseanne barr will appear in a vision.
apparently she holds many answers.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

aerial archaeology.

vertical highway along a coked up sidewalk.
chalk-chalk-chalk lined lips, don't talk to me.
watch the keys fall as my heels touch down.
the distance is there, the feelings all frown.
believe me yet? you'll trip on lies
til you take your head out'the skies-just watch the cracks.
watch the cracks leading up to our end.
you keep saying there's much to defend.
how is it? that you live it? this lie that we've tamed?
-for you've framed me in this perfect picture to snippet.

forrest gump and buddhas.

I snuck out for a run-hung my jacket in a tree and launched. the lightning created a perfect backdrop to my soundtrack. I eventually took my shoes off and started running barefoot. I could feel the dew from grass between my toes-it alleviated the burning from my blisters. my chest was tight and I felt alive for the first time in a while. I walked over to the canopy of greenery, grabbed my jacket, and plopped on the ground. flourescent lights, from a distant stadium, lit the leaves up like christmas lights. I stared up as the mosquitos swarmed my legs. I didn't care. it was nice to get away. too bad that everything's so fucking temporary.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

the lights dimmed.
your eyes blacked out beneath the lense.
keep close, don't stray too far.
the screen flickers and the shadows dance.
I love you. don't go.
the sounds of death fill the cold stale air.
it rushes out and steals the trust.
the blood rushes down your face and for that moment
you are gone.
can't live like this.
no one understands what I've seen and what I know.
please. someone. anyone. make me forget death's empty stare.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

can't sleep.

can't dream. can't write. can't draw. can't breathe. can't talk. can't see.

but I can eat.


Monday, April 5, 2010

post nasal drip.

as I threw on clothes that smelled alright, she never stopped texting me, and asking what was up.
I'm walking to the store. I got a lot on my mind.
you want a ride?
no, I need to walk.
can I come?
it never fails how she must tag along to everything.
I grabbed my wallet, keys, ipod, and phone. unlocked the door and she was there. staring into my eyes. dark gleaming pools in the midnight shadows. she is beautiful and comforting-even when I wish to be alone. she smiled that smile that I know too well. I put my headphones in and stared down at my feet as I turned around to lock the door.
every step I take, I watch the ground give way.
whatcha listening to?
you've prolly never heard of them.
just tell me?
death cab for cutie.
that sounds emo-and gay. I'm just kidding. can I listen?
I'm sorry! please?
I look up from my trance, stop dead in my tracks. there she is beside me. warm, soft, loving.
it sounds really sad...
its not, it makes me happy.
its really pretty though.
I know. it means alot to me-the words.
what are they about?
I let her keep one in her ear and I take back the other. we stay close and she laughs at how I slouch over her.she makes me happy, there's no arguing that-I just don't know why i can't be content with the fact.
look at the parade field, its beautiful.
I didn't know flowers bloomed at night...
come on.
what? why?
I pulled the headphones and stuffed them in my jacket pocket. I grabbed her hand and dragged her along. it was beautiful. the gentle yellow petals danced in the wind; no strong trees to guard them from its strength. I layed down as she hovered over me.
she giggled. it made me smile.
what are you doing?
watching the clouds go by. we've got a captive audience tonight.
we smile. she sits next to me and grabs onto my hand
I love you.
fine! don't say it back, but I'm not gonna stop!
I love you.
she laid back and kept on with a barrage of questions. I put my head phones in and tried to drown her out. I turned my head to watch the little flowers lean in every direction.
are you even listening to me? ray. RAY. DELGADO!!
she toppled over me and held down my wrists.
I'm talking to you.
I can see that.
so maybe you should try and listen?
no. i got a lot on my mind. i just don't feel like talking about it right now.
she kissed me and laid back down next to me. a look of dissappointment swept over her face. and guilt clouded over my mind.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

smokescreen opera

I love you, she said.
“I love you and don’t worry, you’ll be fine…I’ll be home soon enough, okay baby?”
She wraps her lips around me and looks up.
“okay. I love you too, it’s just that- I just wish I coulda came with you.”
I’m the only one coming, you idiot.
“mmmmhm-I know baby. I gotta go, baby-Clara needs me.”
I shoved my dick in her mouth in between those broken sentences. She said goodnight and hung up before he could reply, I pulled her head back and came onto her freckled cheek. She smiled.
“mmmmm baby, I love it when you come on my face. I love your taste.”
Fucking slut.
“Can we take a shower now?”
“I loooove youuuuu.”
“I love you too, now can we wash the sex off? I smell like straight up vagina.”
she giggles as the come drips off her chin.
“okay, baby.”
He drifted along her words for so long. He never wants to fall, but doesn’t even realize that’s what he’s been doing since she said yes. Michael didn’t make her feel wanted, but he gave her the security she craved-a feeling of control-the fact that she can create a relationship. A public performance for everyone to witness. An act that she can take a break from whenever she feels. He loves her and will never leave. Brittany told me he’s never even so much as kissed another girl before. He reminds me of myself from another time.

Kind of sad. I remember when we went to Corpus Christi and she told him that her mother was sick. He wanted to come with her, but she had said that it was best if she went alone. In reality her parents didn’t even stay there in the winter. We went down there and fucked in every possible nook and cranny. She lies to him so much, but doesn’t keep anything from me. I used to think it was because she wasn’t afraid to lose me. I’ve since come to believe that she knows that she never had me. He, on the other hand, has this beautiful story that’s told to him every night before he lays his head to rest-she loves him and wants to be with him forever-It puts his weary head at rest and puts a smile on his face. She so desperately wants that to make her happy. She wants to be passionate about something. Someone. She just can’t.
I hope I don’t end up like that. Passion is what fuels us to transcend the boundary we create for ourselves. These days it seems to be a scarce resource…


so I've finally brought myself to believe, or rather... have a lack of belief in love, purpose, free-will, god, honesty, monogomy, social science, and people. I've become almost like a fucking loon/misanthrope/nihilist. don't care about living. don't care about the economy. don't care about society. don't care about myself. dont care about relationships. don't care about choices. can't really think about anything that really matters to me-to believe in. hope i find something. maybe I should stop being so fucking skeptical, but that would entail being a naive,narcissus-esque, ignorant buffoon... like everyone in my life. fuck. that. I'd rather die a miserable, alone, old man.